Tag Archives: creative writing

A Venetian Affair

Part 2 – The Venetian Complication 


“Ciao,” said Bianchi.

“Ciao,” I replied.

“S-ciào vostro,” he grinned.

I am your slave.

He had discovered that ciao was derived from an old Venetian expression and couldn’t resist repeating it whenever he had the opportunity.

Venice woke early and seemed determined to wake us with it. The vibrating hum of delivery boats bounced off the brick façades of the Renaissance buildings, followed by the dull thunk of their hulls against the wooden mooring piles. Then came the metallic rattle of carrelli being pushed along the wooden decks.

“Slaves don’t sleep in the same bed as their masters.”

“But I have a good master and I must surrender to his wishes,” Bianchi replied cheekily.

My phone vibrated.

A message from Cola.

My mother is furious with you both. She knew that you would sleep together.

I smiled.

Bianchi crawled to the end of the bed and opened the curtains. He was naked, unlike the night before, and it was the first time I had seen him that way. He turned towards the window, completely oblivious to the effect he was having on me.

He had got his wish. Almost.

I had remembered Signora Bruschi’s warnings and allowed nothing more than a few kisses and cuddles. Nothing beyond that. Bianchi had no idea how much willpower it had taken not to give in to him.

But he was playing the long game and, for now, seemed perfectly happy.

Alas, the inevitable would happen eventually.

Sunrise had brought a soft morning light and a rising canal fog that would soon burn away.

“I shall make coffee,” Bianchi declared as he scrambled down the spiral staircase to the kitchen below.

I stayed in bed and closed my eyes.

I listened to the patter of his feet across the terrazzo, followed by the rattling of cups. Then came the sound of the French doors opening onto the stone balcony.

“Cazzo!”

He scuttled back inside.

“I did not know there were apartments overlooking us… and you can see everything.”

I peered through the newel posts and watched him grab a large towel and wrap it around himself.

I am going to struggle here, I thought.


The message from Charlie came at midday.

Ponte delle Guglie. 8pm?

I sent a thumbs-up.

Nothing more.

We shall see you then, he replied.

We.

My mind was made up.

I would definitely be taking Bianchi with me.

When I told him, I detected a nervousness that hadn’t been there earlier. But, as he explained, Signora Bruschi had sent him to accompany me and he would respect her wishes.


We resisted the urge to kick tourists into the nearest canal, seemingly oblivious to the fact that we were tourists too.

We spent the day wandering narrow calli, crossing little bridges and drinking too much coffee outside cafés.

It was a way of killing time.

I was apprehensive about seeing Charlie again. The outcome was uncertain. Was this going to be closure for both of us, or the beginning of a new chapter?

I was mindful that I had instigated our enforced absence, although I hadn’t intended it to turn out the way it had. Not for the first time, I had ruined something that, on the surface at least, had seemed special.

But I had forgotten that Charlie was stubborn. And if he believed he had been wronged, nothing would alter his mind.

An observer might have regarded the whole mess as six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Quite true.

Charlie had inexplicably posed naked for a French gay magazine, confident that I would never find out.

On the other hand, I had slept with his brother.

And that, it appeared, was a far greater sin.

The other question I kept asking myself was whether we were still in love with each other.

There had been an unwillingness on both sides to resolve the mess and move on. Months apart had only strengthened our positions.

Part of me hoped that our meeting would lead to reconciliation.

But another part told a different story.

That story involved Thomas in Paris.

The uncertainty wasn’t helped by Bianchi, who had become uncharacteristically subdued. His early-morning brightness had gradually faded until he slipped into an awkward silence.

It wasn’t until we were heading back that I understood why.

We had reached the end of a ramo — a dead-end alley overlooking the Rio de la Pleta — and stopped to watch the boats passing below.

“There is a boy at work called Cesco,” Bianchi began.

He paused.

“He doesn’t say much. When I first met him, I tried to make conversation. He simply nodded. Now he sometimes smirks and occasionally speaks. We are slowly getting there. I think he trusts me.”

I tried to understand where the conversation was heading.

“The other staff say that Cesco is a handsome boy. Such a shame about the spots. They wish he’d do something better with his hair. They want him to be more sociable. They often lose patience with him.

“But when he smirks, they think he is smiling. My friends say, ‘How do you get him to do that?’”

Bianchi sat on the stone step and rested his elbows on his knees.

“And so they send me to collect the orders. I stand and wait. I make small talk. Sometimes I get a reaction.

“I tell my colleagues that I enjoy the challenge.

“‘You’re always so calm and collected,’ they say. ‘What’s your secret? Why doesn’t he speak to us? Why do you make time for his bad habits?’

“The answer is easy,” Bianchi continued. “I like handsome people. I can do spots. I can accept bad haircuts.

“I look at him in his black jeans, black T-shirt and black apron. Everything about him is black.

“But underneath all that black there is something attractive.”

I sat beside him, suddenly unsure that I was going to like what came next.

“What is that?”

“I imagine him standing behind his counter,” Bianchi replied. “I imagine him transformed in my mind, and suddenly I can wait patiently.”

I didn’t know how to respond.

L’erba del vicino è sempre più verde, he said sadly.

I tried to translate it.

The grass is always greener.

It was Bianchi’s way of sending a warning shot, and I was determined not to react.

“I cannot wait forever, Miles.”

One of my failings is that I sometimes fail to see what is right in front of me.

Bianchi was in love.

He had quietly persevered, waiting for me to return his affection.

I wanted to tell him that I loved him too.

But I would become a liar if my reunion with Charlie ended positively.

Life can be complicated.

Charlie.

Thomas.

Bianchi.

They all had a hold on me.

“I am not looking forward to meeting your boyfriend,” he added.

“Ex-boyfriend,” I corrected.

“But what if you decide to get back together? Where does that leave me? I might never see you again.”

He bit his lip.

“I am not sure that I would want to see you again if you did.”

“If it makes you feel any better, you don’t have to come with me.”

“I will come,” he decided. “But it is difficult for me to accept.”

“I know you have feelings, Bianchi, and I’m sorry that you’re caught up in all this. But please realise that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.”

“Then tell me there is hope. Tell me I am not wasting my time. If not, for my own sanity, I must look somewhere else.

“Even if it is the boy with spots and a bad haircut.”

I laughed, not unkindly, and squeezed his arm.

“You are not wasting your time, Bianchi.”

I wanted to hold him.

I wanted nothing more.

And he would gladly have let me.

But then the nose of a gondola appeared and glided silently into view.

Three women of various ages and sizes looked startled to see us sitting on the steps. Then they looked at us with curiosity.

Standing behind them, a young gondolier made light work of propelling the boat along.

“Buonasera,” Bianchi called.

And the gondola disappeared around the corner.

A Venetian Affair

Part 1 – The Venetian Arrangement 


I have only been to Venice twice before.

The first time I was thirteen years old, and it was a cold, damp, misty day. I seem to remember wandering around alone for most of the day, although it was extremely unlikely that I actually did.

The second time was a couple of years ago, when I caught the train from Verona with Cola and stayed for only a few hours before returning. That day it was bright and sunny and completely different from the Venice I remembered. A thunderstorm rolled across the lagoon just as we were about to leave.

And now, for the third time, I have returned to Venice.

This time I will be staying considerably longer.

It was not by choice. There are too many things to do in the UK, and a trip back to Italy seemed more of a distraction than it would be to most people.

I think it was Truman Capote who said: “Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.” I’m not entirely sure what he meant by that, but I imagined that a stay here was more than most people could stomach.

For a start, there are the tourists.

On a typical day there may be as many as 60,000 of them. I hate tourists. Particularly those who wander around not so much looking at the sights as looking at the sights through a mobile phone. Hundreds of photographs they will never look at again. And if they do, it will probably be to bore the pants off an uninterested friend.

It’s not so much of a problem in Verona, but I imagined that you couldn’t escape them in Venice, which is, after all, a series of small islands.

If tourists get in my way, I will unashamedly kick them into the nearest canal.

But my visit is not for the purpose of being a tourist either.

I am above that.

Venice is neutral territory for a reunion with my long-lost lover, Charlie.

I’ll not bore you with the details, but we went our separate ways after my ill-fated trip to Paris in April. I took the advice of his father, who suggested that I play hard to get and Charlie would follow.

He never did.

Neither did he answer my messages.

He simply disappeared for the summer.

I moved on to Verona and my adventures with Signora Bruschi et al.

There comes a point when you think you have finally got someone out of your system. It is usually at precisely that moment that the least expected thing happens.

I received a message.

You okay?

I made the mistake of replying out of curiosity and allowed the floodgates to open.

Charlie had mistakenly believed that I had spent most of my time not in Verona but in Venice, and expressed a wish to meet up with me there.

For my sins, Verona had always been a secret I kept from Charlie. I wanted it to remain that way for as long as possible. Charlie’s older brother, Thomas, had subscribed to my wishes and, when pressed, had lied that I had settled in the floating city.

And so, we were to meet in Venice.

Signora Bruschi got in touch with an old school friend who lived in Venice, and I was allowed to stay in rooms close to the Ponte di Rialto.

“For as long as you wish,” Signora Bruschi told me.

But she had concerns about me staying on my own.

Alas, Cola had to remain in Verona for treatment on his broken arm. Instead, she insisted that Bianchi jump on a Trenitalia train and arrive at Venezia Santa Lucia in time for my own arrival by Alilaguna Linea Arancio from Marco Polo.

My heart leapt at the thought of Bianchi joining me.

But it would also cause complications for any reconciliation with Charlie, if reconciliation was actually on the agenda.

After all, Charlie had probably been the love of my life.

But I suspected that I had not been the love of his.

And there were too many secrets between us.

Before I set off, an English friend told me to watch The Comfort of Strangers because it would put me in the mood for Venice.

I did as I was told.

He was right.

It put me in exactly the right frame of mind if I wanted to get my throat cut by a psychotic stranger.

I met Bianchi near Rialto.

We had only been apart for a few weeks, but it seemed much longer.

Bianchi threw his arms around me and kissed me on both cheeks.

“I have missed you, Miles,” he cooed excitedly. “But we are together again, and we are going to have a good time.”

Signora Bruschi had told me that it hadn’t taken much to persuade Bianchi to come.

None at all.

He had jumped at the opportunity without hesitation.

But she had also warned him that I was unavailable and that we must sleep in separate beds.

“Signora Bruschi says that I am too young for you,” Bianchi moaned.

Perhaps so, I thought.

But I also knew that teenage boys have a habit of ignoring good advice.

We manoeuvred through the hordes of ignorant tourists I had already taken a dislike to. Like Piazza San Marco, they descend on Rialto as though these are the only two places worth visiting in Venice.

At last we found the quieter calli and crossed small bridges until we reached the place where we would be staying.

Palazzo Pesaro Labia dalle Rose had been described to me as a small but elegant two-room apartment overlooking the canals and located in a fifteenth-century palace.

From the outside, it looked as though it hadn’t been touched since the fifteenth century, with its weathered appearance and crumbling brickwork.

We accessed it through a private courtyard and climbed a set of steps leading to a locked door, beyond which another staircase led upwards to a pair of old double doors.

But as soon as we saw inside, we both loved it.

It was so far removed from Signora Bruschi’s house in Verona, which, up to this point, I had always considered grand. It was even further removed from Bianchi’s modest family home in San Giorgio in Salici.

For a start, it wasn’t small.

Its two rooms dwarfed my own apartment back home.

I would describe it as grand Italian.

The living room was stylishly furnished with antiques, and the walls were covered with tasteful prints. The second room consisted of a kitchen space, a huge dining area, and a small bathroom attached.

The roof space was so vast that a half-mezzanine floor had been built, with a circular staircase leading to the sleeping area.

And there, occupying most of it, was a huge double bed.

Bianchi looked at it.

I looked at Bianchi.

It was plain to see.

We would both have to sleep together.

“I hope that this doesn’t disappoint you,” Bianchi said rather sheepishly.

“It doesn’t,” I told him. “But we must be careful not to tell Signora Bruschi.”

“I do not think that either of us has the courage to do so,” he innocently replied.

The Lost Room

Two lovers. One forbidden night. And a ghost who remembers everything 


The room was lined with cork. The air smelled of dried lavender, lime-blossom tea and the faint, sweet decay of old paper.

A pale light filtered through the heavy curtains, and dust motes danced in a single beam.

The bed was narrow and firm, made of brass and covered with a blue satin bedspread. Beneath it, a mattress of coiled steel springs offered no comfort.

“It’s cold,” said Jean-Luc, snuggling further beneath the sheets. “Why are we doing this? What if we’re discovered?”

“Relax,” said Marc-Andre, sitting upright and scrolling through his phone.

All he could see was the top of Jean-Luc’s head on the pillow. He reached down and stroked his thick black hair, an affectionate gesture of reassurance.

Marc-Andre knew they were safe.

When Jean-Luc turned on his side, the bed creaked and the sound echoed around the room. He ran his fingers over Marc-Andre’s stomach.

“Are we going to have sex?” he asked hopefully. “We’ve had sex in many strange places, so why not here?”

“No,” said Marc-Andre, resisting the temptation. “I have to write three thousand words before we leave. You must be quiet, Jean-Luc, or I won’t be able to concentrate.”

Jean-Luc sighed and contented himself with sniffing Marc-Andre’s armpit instead.

Marc-Andre felt the deep quiet of the room, the place where the great writer had shaped his memories.

Time felt slow and heavy here.

The scratchy texture of the vintage wool blanket contrasted with the sleek, cold glass of the smartphone in Marc-Andre’s hands. Occasionally he looked up from the screen and felt that the shadows in the corners had deepened and shifted.

Jean-Luc fell silent. He drifted between wakefulness and sleep. He felt safe with Marc-Andre; safe from the fragments of dreams that made no sense but which he could still somehow control.

“Are you asleep?” Marc-Andre asked.

“Hmmm,” Jean-Luc murmured drowsily.

Marc-Andre smiled and tapped furiously at the screen. He wrote about the excitement of being there, about how he felt, about how the completed work would look to others.

If it was successful, he knew they would be in serious trouble.

But that was the thrill of it.

Jean-Luc woke with a start, but Marc-Andre hadn’t noticed.

The air had become thick and cloudy. It smelled of strong cigarettes.

Marc-Andre had switched on the bedside lamp with its green shade and was lying back with his head resting on two pillows.

“Turn the light off,” Jean-Luc whispered. “It will draw attention to us.”

While Jean-Luc had been sleeping, Marc-Andre had found the school exercise books he carried in his backpack. He was writing in one now, propped against his bent knees. The others were scattered across the bed.

“Don’t worry. I’ve nearly finished.”

“How can you possibly write like that?” Jean-Luc asked. “It looks extremely uncomfortable. I thought you preferred using your phone.”

Marc-Andre looked at him with annoyance.

“He took it away with him.”

“Who did?”

“I did.”

The voice startled Jean-Luc.

A figure had materialised beside the small writing desk.

He wore a dark, heavy overcoat. His large, dark, melancholic eyes were fixed upon them both. He gestured faintly towards the glowing screen with a pale hand.

“Ah,” he whispered in a soft, rasping French voice. “Do you carry your entire past in a tiny glowing box as well? Do you also look for lost time there?”

“Who are you?”

The man gestured towards Marc-Andre, who was still scribbling in his exercise book.

“I did not write in bed out of laziness. By shutting out the sensory details of the modern world, I was able to plunge deeply into the world of my own memories. I did not need a magic box.”

“Wake up, Jean-Luc. I’ve finished.”

Marc-Andre was shaking him by the shoulder.

Jean-Luc blinked several times.

The room was cold and dark. The smell of cigarette smoke had disappeared.

“It’s time to leave,” Marc-Andre declared.

“Shit,” said Jean-Luc. “Who was that man?”

“You were dreaming,” Marc-Andre told him. “It will soon be light, and we must leave everything exactly as we found it.”

Four Drummer Boys and a Piccolo


The church doors swung open and the newlyweds emerged into the afternoon heat beneath a shower of rice and the ringing of bells.

Forty paces away, five young musicians stood against the ancient stone wall of the piazza.

Four drummer boys and a piccolo.

They were impossibly handsome. Young, dark-haired and brown-skinned, dressed in white shirts, black trousers and polished black shoes. They stood in a neat row, looking rather more serious than the occasion required.

I fall in love too easily.

As the bride and groom stepped into the sunlight, the drummers raised their sticks.

The first strike seemed to shake the whole piazza.

Then the piccolo began.

A bright, piercing melody rose above the deep thunder of the drums, slipping between the old buildings and disappearing somewhere among the terracotta roofs. The five boys played without looking at the wedding guests. They simply stood there and played, as though the music belonged to them and we had merely been permitted to hear it.

I watched them.

I knew nothing about them.

Not their ages, where they lived, what they did when they weren’t playing at weddings. I didn’t even know their names.

And yet, for those few minutes, I loved them.

When the music ended, the bells suddenly seemed very loud.

The boys lowered their instruments. There was no bow, no waiting for applause. They simply turned and walked away, disappearing into a narrow alley beside the church.

As they went, one loosened his black tie. Another rolled up his sleeves. One of the drummers said something that made the others laugh.

And that was all.

They vanished into the old town, five young Italians swallowed by the afternoon.

I stood there for a moment longer.

It seemed terribly unfair that people could enter your life so completely and then disappear from it without ever knowing they had been there.

I would never see them again.

I would never know their names.

But for a few minutes in a sunlit piazza, four drummer boys and a piccolo had made me fall in love.

I took out my notebook.

I wrote only six words:

four drummer boys and a piccolo.

Colvey: Number One

They all think he’s Number One. That’s what he tells himself, anyway.


Whose idea was it to call me Colvey?

Mum says it weren’t her. So who the fuck was it then? Like she never had a say in it. Couldn’t have been Dad, could it? No chance. No one even knows who the fuck Dad is, ‘cept Mum, and she ain’t saying shit.

Only thing she ever told me was his family were bare-knuckle fighting gypsies. Said I got his looks.

He was a bit of a looker, apparently.

Got Mum into bed one night, got her pregnant, then fucked off. Job done. Probably got half-brothers and sisters all over Newham. Probably had a scrap with most of ’em.

Didn’t exactly get an easy start, did I?

Had to fight to survive. Hated school. Didn’t go much anyway. Too much other stuff going on. Got expelled twice. Teachers thought they were getting rid of me. They never clocked that was exactly what I wanted.

Shoplifting. Drugs. Nicking motors. Few decent fights.

Kid stuff.

Coppers hated me. Still do. They reckon I’m a waste of space. Some little cunt from Newham who’s never gonna amount to nothing.

They don’t know shit.

I’m good with my hands. Must be Dad’s side of the family coming through. Good with my head too, when I bother using it.

You got to be good round here.

There’s always someone wants you gone. Someone wants what you’ve got. Someone thinks you’re trouble and reckons they’re the one who’s gonna sort you out.

But I ain’t scared of ’em.

They’re tossers.

I’ve got my boys.

And I pick every one of ’em. That’s important. Don’t just let any geezer in. They make me look good. They protect me. I protect them.

Well… mostly.

Got to keep ’em in line. Give one of ’em a slap now and then. Let ’em know who’s boss. They call it respect.

I call it keeping order.

Everyone thinks I’m fucking stupid.

Good.

Let ’em.

I’ve got things going on they ain’t even got a clue about. I make a living doing fuck all, basically. My boys make the trouble. I get my share of the readies.

Simple.

And they love it. That’s the funniest bit. They love being one of Colvey’s boys. Gives ’em a name. Gives ’em status.

Don’t fuck with Colvey and his boys.

Heard someone call us the London Boys once.

Fucking loved that.

Not Newham Boys.

London Boys.

Sounds bigger, don’t it? Like we’re not just some bunch of geezers knocking about the same few streets. Like we’re part of something.

London.

Biggest fucking city in the country and we’re right in the middle of it.

Beautiful people, we are.

Got to look the part.

Designer kicks. Stone Island. Moncler. Canada Goose. Trapstar. Corteiz. Whatever’s hot, basically.

Best gear comes through my contacts. Some of it gets knocked off. Some of it just appears.

People give you things when they’re frightened of you.

That’s one thing I’ve learned.

Give it away for nothing, hoping you’ll leave ’em alone. Works for a bit.

Then you give ’em a little reminder.

Next week they’ve got another bag waiting.

Yeah.

I’m not fucking stupid.

I give my boys numbers.

Makes it easy.

I’m Number One.

Mason’s Number Two.

Top dogs.

Problem is, I don’t trust Mason.

Never have.

Good-looking geezer. I’ll give him that. Girls like him. Boys like him. Thinks that makes him clever.

It don’t.

Always keep an eye on him.

Never turn your back.

He’d put a knife in me if he thought he could get away with it.

And if he did, I’d do him for real.

That’s why I carry one.

Lock knife. Down my sock. Diamond in the handle.

Stole it off some bloke in Hackney.

Never want to use it.

That’s the thing.

People think carrying a knife means you want to use it.

I don’t.

Rule One: don’t stab nobody.

Rule Two: don’t shoot nobody.

Don’t even own a gun.

Could get one if I wanted.

Rule Three: don’t kill nobody.

Simple rules.

Problem is, rules only work if everyone’s playing the same game.

My boys ain’t always.

Neither am I, if I’m honest.

Used the knife once.

Bad move.

Wasn’t even with my boys. Guy had me cornered, mouthing off, calling me a pussy. Told me to brick it.

I stared him out.

Didn’t blink.

I’d practised that.

Quick movement. Blade open. Caught his arm.

Didn’t even mean to cut him that bad.

Ripped his fake Haglöf, though.

He bricked it.

Saw him later.

Got my chance.

Punched him out instead.

That’s what I’m good at.

Fists.

Left him lying there in his own mess.

Took a photo.

Sent it round.

Don’t fuck with your guy Colvey.

That’s what the picture said.

Didn’t need a caption.

My boys thought it was brilliant.

Told ’em to learn from it.

Don’t carry a knife because you’re hard.

Carry one because you’re stupid enough to think you need it.

They loved that.

They fucking love me.

Or they think they do.

That’s different.

Got to keep secrets from them.

Especially Mason.

My boys don’t know where I live. Don’t know much about me at all, really.

Better that way.

I’ve got my own flat.

Nice enough.

Locks on everything. Cameras. I know who’s outside before they know I’m looking.

Someone knocks, I don’t answer.

Could be coppers.

Could be someone else’s boys.

Could be Mason.

Especially Mason.

Ninety-eight-inch telly on the wall.

Neighbours complain about the noise.

I just look at ’em.

They go.

Big mattress on the floor. Bare room. Nothing much else.

Proper boy’s gaff.

It’s where I think.

It’s where I’m me.

Mason don’t know where it is.

Last person I’d tell.

Would be suicide.

He’s got his own place. Shacked up with some bird. Got a kid.

She’s a princess, apparently.

Tracksuit. Bleached hair. Never wears anything else.

Mason could do better.

He does, apparently.

That’s what he tells everyone.

Girls everywhere.

Me too.

They throw themselves at you when they think you’re someone.

That’s the game.

You’ve got to keep the story going.

Mason hates that.

He’ll say he don’t.

But he does.

He wants Number One.

He thinks I don’t see it.

I see everything.

That’s why I’m Number One.

He waits.

That’s what Mason does.

He waits for you to fuck up.

Then he’s there.

One step ahead.

That’s what he thinks.

Piss on him one day.

Only one I trust is Connor.

Connor’s different.

Clocked him straight away.

Good kid.

Loyal.

Would do anything for me.

Tells me everything because he fucking loves me.

I knew what he was about from the start.

Got him on his own once.

Put the blade against his cheek.

Just enough to make the point.

Didn’t mean to draw blood.

He pissed himself.

Fucking hell.

Thought he was a proper hard case.

He weren’t.

Felt sorry for him, though.

Never wanted to hurt him.

That’s not me.

Not really.

Told him I’d noticed something about him. Said I wanted to know what it was.

He didn’t have a fucking clue what I was talking about.

Then Mason turned up.

Bad timing.

Had to back off.

Called Connor a pussy.

Told him I’d catch up with him later.

Watched him walk home.

Mason went his way.

I went mine.

Made sure he weren’t following.

I know every shortcut round here.

Every alley.

Every cut-through.

Every place you can disappear.

That’s how I got to Connor’s place.

Slipped the lock.

Went inside.

Dark.

Quiet.

He owned fuck all.

Didn’t need long.

Found what I wanted.

Knew it.

Course I knew it.

I always know.

So I sat down in this old armchair and waited.

Didn’t take long.

I knew he wouldn’t go to Billy’s.

Too embarrassed.

When he finally came through the door, I said his name.

He froze.

Nearly shit himself again.

I just smiled.

Told him to relax.

Told him we needed a little chat.

He started apologising.

That’s when I knew I’d been right.

People only apologise when they’ve got something to hide.

I leaned back in the chair.

Took a drink from the can I’d nicked from his fridge.

Looked at him.

He looked at me.

And suddenly I realised something.

Mason weren’t the problem.

Connor weren’t the problem.

None of the boys were the problem.

It was me.

I’d spent years making sure everyone was frightened of Colvey.

Making sure nobody knew where I lived.

Making sure nobody knew who I was.

Making sure everyone thought I was fearless.

But sitting there in Connor’s shitty bedsit, waiting for him to talk, I had one thought going round my head.

What happens when someone finally stops being scared?

That’s the bit nobody tells you.

You can be Number One for as long as you like.

But sooner or later, you’ve got to turn round.

And when you do—

there’s always someone standing behind you.

Shadows of Verona: Better That You Leave


Via delle Argonne is a pleasant street, largely made up of fashionable apartments for Verona’s young professionals and a step up from the area where Signora Bruschi’s house lies. It was also a short cut to the hotel where Bianchi worked part-time.

Cola had spent the day moping around. Cinzia had been working and he was reduced to wandering between floors without any real notion of what he wanted to do. I had been writing in the shade offered by the balcony, only to be interrupted every half hour by Cola’s footsteps and his inevitable appearance beside me. He would slump into the same chair and rest his feet on the railings. A few minutes later he would wander off again.

When the light began to fade, he suggested that we walk to Hotel Italia and meet Bianchi as he finished his shift. Not so long ago, he would have jumped into that bright yellow Abarth 500 and been there within minutes. Now he seemed to regard the walk as the highlight of his day.

“I need to get a job,” he moaned as we strolled down Via delle Argonne, parked cars lining both sides. “I am going slowly mad with boredom.”

A little girl came out of a gateway riding a small scooter. She came to an abrupt halt when she noticed us. Then she turned around and shot back inside to the safety of the small yard, shielded by horse chestnuts and linden trees.

I felt sorry for Cola.

His life had been turned upside down by Sandro’s revelation that it was in his best interests to leave Signor Valenti’s employment. Cola was certain that he would land a warehouse job at Interporto Quadrante Europa. He had turned up for the interview only to be told that they couldn’t employ him without suitable references. He wasn’t in a position to ask Signor Valenti and, as I pointed out, the Agenzia delle Entrate would have no record of his employment because Cola had been paid cash in hand.

“The mighty have fallen on hard times,” Cola lamented.

“But you have somewhere to live and a mother who feeds you well.”

It was no consolation to him.

The street light hanging above the intersection with Via Rovereto flickered on.

“And in two weeks you will be leaving Verona,” Cola complained.

I regarded Cola as a little brother. I had watched him grow from boy to man. I was someone he loved and trusted. I would miss him when I went back to the UK.

We waited on the curb to allow three motor scooters to pass. They came to a halt at the crossroads and hesitated as though deciding which direction they should take. The small engines puttered; the riders looked at us, their faces hidden behind the visors of their crash helmets. One by one they killed their engines and lowered the scooters onto their kickstands.

Then they walked towards us.

“Mannaggia,” Cola muttered under his breath. “I knew this would happen.”

Perhaps I knew it too.

There was always going to be a leader. He turned out to be the tallest of them, a muscular man wearing a turquoise T-shirt. He had a metal chain wrapped around his wrist; so did the others, for that matter.

When they reached us, the leader flicked his wrist and unravelled the chain in one swift movement. He swung it at Cola, who tried to duck but was too slow. It caught him on the side of the head and immediately drew blood.

I tried to help Cola but was prevented by an equally forceful blow. One of the other riders swung his chain and smashed it against my cheek.

And then there were repeated metal links whipping through the air with a high-pitched metallic rattle.

Cola was on the floor trying to protect his face, but there was no mercy. I followed and ended up on my back. Blurred silver arcs cut through the light, the links catching the glare. My clothes were being ripped. There was the sudden shock of heavy impact crushing bone and muscle, followed by the cold, biting pinches of metal links wrapped tightly around skin.

And then it was over.

A haze through which I could see nothing clearly.

Blood splatter.

Stinging pain.

Nausea.

Moans and sobs, but whose were they?

I knew that the three riders had returned to their motor scooters, kick-started them and sped away.

I did not think that I would die. It was that I wanted to die.

And then came the two-tone sirens that I had come to recognise across European cities. I found them reassuring. Not like those wailing noises that the UK had adopted from the States.

They were coming for us.


I woke up in a brightly lit room, which hurt the one eye that I was able to see with. The swelling on the other had closed it shut.

Somebody was holding my hand and I had to turn my head to see who it was.

It was the face of an angel.

An angel with beautiful curly black hair, warm eyes that were teary, and a delicate nose. The angel had soft stubble on his chin and needed to shave.

The angel smiled.

“You are going to be fine,” Bianchi whispered.

But behind the angel was the devil, slouched in a chair.

A nurse walked into the room and noticed that I was awake.

“Fuori tutti,” came the instruction.

Bianchi and Lorenzo did as they were told.

Bianchi waved on the way out. Lorenzo nodded and muttered something.

“Ci vendicheremo.”

We will get revenge.

The nurse checked my blood pressure and stuck something inside my ear.

“Sei inglese?”

When I nodded, it hurt, as though something were banging around inside my head.

“You will live,” she said. “You are very lucky. A lot of cuts and bruises, but you will mend. You were sedated when you came in, so you will feel woozy.”

“And my friend?”

“He will also live,” she smiled. “But he has a broken arm that will take time to mend.”

Police officers came to interview me in the afternoon and asked me to provide a description of our attackers. I narrowed it down to every male who rode a scooter in Verona and wasn’t much help.

And then they asked about Signora Valenti.

I told them very little and was informed that I wasn’t being helpful by refusing to tell the truth.

I found out later that Bianchi couldn’t hold his shit.

He had already told the Carabinieri and the Polizia di Stato everything that had happened. He wanted to put the blame entirely on the Valenti family.

But not at first.

When Bianchi arrived home from work on the night of the attack, he found Signora Bruschi in a panic.

“Bianchi. Something terrible has happened. They have called from Ospedale Borgo Trento where Cola and Miles have been taken.”

Bianchi immediately called Cinzia and the three of them arrived to find that we were being treated in the Pronto Soccorso. They waited for six hours before being told to come back in the morning, when they would be allowed to visit.

Bianchi then telephoned his brother and accused him of being involved in the attack. After all, even if it wasn’t true, Lorenzo blamed me for taking Bianchi away from the family home.

Lorenzo denied any knowledge.

“Te lo giuro su mia madre!”

He turned up at Signora Bruschi’s and was told about Cola leaving his job with Alessandro Valenti and my having turned down Valentina Valenti’s offer of work.

Much to Bianchi’s surprise, Lorenzo listened patiently and became convinced that the Valenti family was responsible.

He brushed aside protests from Cinzia and Bianchi and vowed to get revenge. Lorenzo was no match for them, they said. But Lorenzo liked Cola, less so me, and he was also fearful for his little brother’s safety.

Lorenzo joined them the next morning.

Only two visitors were allowed in each room. Signora Bruschi and Cinzia sat with Cola, leaving Lorenzo to join Bianchi in my room.

At least Lorenzo is warming to me, I told myself.

Signora Bruschi, Cinzia and Bianchi took turns visiting each of us. Cola appeared to be in much worse condition, but his mother thanked the Lord that there would be no long-term effects.

Shit! I thought later. I don’t have travel insurance.

In the evening, when everybody had left, a doctor visited and said that we would both spend a few days in hospital before being allowed to go home. It was a precaution and would allow us to get the necessary rest.

He left me alone and told me to sleep.

As I was about to drop off, I was visited by Sandro, the handsome Carabiniere, who had started the night shift. He had seen Cola already, and I asked how he was.

“I have known Cola for a long time and he is headstrong. Don’t be surprised if he walks through the door at any moment.”

Sandro paused. He sat down in the chair that Bianchi had occupied for most of the day.

“How are you? I am sorry and feel responsible for what happened.”

“Do you think that it was the Valentis who were behind it?”

“Almost certainly, but it was only a warning.”

“A warning?”

“The Valentis are clever people. When Cola quit his job and you turned down an offer of work, they immediately became suspicious as to the reasons why. They realise that the Carabinieri will be behind it and will leave nothing to chance.”

I seemed to be caught up in a mafia story. The painful injuries reminded me that I wasn’t dreaming.

But, I thought, Sandro was extremely handsome.

I knew then that I was already on the mend.

“Your fiancée is very lucky.”

It was a poor attempt to flirt with Sandro, and he brushed it aside.

“It was a warning for you both to say nothing to anyone. If they thought that you had already done so, then the situation would be far more serious.”

“What do you mean?”

“You would both be dead. But that would attract too much attention.”

“That might be too late,” I told him. “Bianchi has told me that we have already featured on RAI news and ANSA.”

“But it will soon be yesterday’s news.”

“Will you arrest them?”

“There is no evidence to do so and, if I can say it politely, you are both insignificant and not worth jeopardising our investigations. Better to let things die down and be forgotten.”

I laughed.

It was almost a relief that things would not escalate further. I longed for the peace and quiet and comfort of Signora Bruschi’s home.

But Sandro hadn’t finished.

“I understand that you are returning to England.”

“Yes,” I replied, although I wasn’t certain that I would be fit enough.

“Then make sure that you do,” he warned. “It is better that you leave.”

The David Problem: Notes from a Life


The Boy from Thamesmead

*David remembered exactly what he was doing in the month Joshua was born.

It was October 1986, and David had just started writing for Blitz. In the same week, he also began writing for Look-In, the children’s magazine built around ITV’s seemingly endless supply of kids’ programmes. The contrast could hardly have been greater.

Blitz was all style, fashion and culture. Look-In required David to find words that might appeal to schoolchildren without making him sound like an adult trying desperately to appeal to schoolchildren. Yet, strangely enough, his best work turned out to be for the latter.

His editor praised him for bringing to life such characters as T-Bag, Super Gran and the cast of Jossy’s Giants. At twenty-two, David decided it was probably best not to put this particular achievement on his rapidly evolving CV.

His ambition was to write for The Face. That never came to fruition, but not for want of trying.

That summer, David had met Nick Kamen, whom he regarded as the most beautiful man in the world. With a confidence that now seemed almost incomprehensible, Kamen had agreed to be interviewed. There was no fee involved. They met twice in Hyde Park, where David discovered that he was a pleasant young man and, more importantly, precisely the sort of person David hoped might one day make excellent boyfriend material.

There was, however, one small problem.

Kamen was completely straight.

He also giggled whenever David flirted with him.

They recorded several hours of material, which inexplicably disappeared over the years. Kamen had dutifully talked about boxer shorts, Levi 501s and Madonna for what was probably the thousandth time, but had also opened up about his interests and ambitions.

Somewhere in a box in the attic at Cleaver Square there was, David was fairly sure, a typed manuscript of the interview, flatly rejected by The Face and, as far as he could remember, everybody else who had subsequently seen it.

There was also a chance that the box contained the fading photographs of the stunt David and his drunken friends had pulled that same year.

They had gone into a late-night launderette on Paddington Street, stripped down to their boxer shorts and attempted to recreate Kamen’s famous advert. They photographed one another with a Polaroid 600 and had the pictures developed at SupaSnaps.

The results had been less than inspiring.

Skinny white bodies. Boxers far too baggy. Not a hint of the effortless eroticism that had made Kamen famous.

Bloody hell, David thought. If Kamen had lived, he’d be sixty-four now.

Meanwhile, nine months earlier, Terry and Brenda Turner had suffered the consequences of a shag.

Joshua Turner was born.

His name had all the makings of an artist.

All of this came to light when David broached the subject of Joshua’s upcoming fortieth birthday.

David had decided to take Joshua away for his October birthday week.

They hadn’t been abroad together for a while.

When they had first met, David had spoiled Joshua with trips all over Europe. He hadn’t expected a relationship with a young man in his twenties to last, and this was his attempt to keep him for as long as possible. The boy from Thamesmead had suddenly stepped into a world that wasn’t meant for him, but he had taken to it with gusto.

Except the relationship had lasted.

Sixteen years, to be precise.

Eventually, the novelty of city breaks wore off.

In recent years, with a solid income from his artwork, Joshua had taken to travelling alone. A few days here, a few days there.

At first, David had been suspicious of these random jaunts.

There had been a photograph of Joshua on Instagram. He was leaning against a balcony rail, his back to the camera. David had immediately wanted to know who had taken it.

“A friend from Barcelona,” Joshua had said, irritated by the question.

David had been forced to accept that Joshua was entitled to live his own life.

But the fortieth birthday meant that they would travel together again.

“I’d like to go to Italy,” Joshua decided.

That got David thinking.

“Verona?”

“Absolutely not,” Joshua retorted.

“Why not?”

Joshua had looked at David with a raised eyebrow.

“If you’re suggesting that we’re going to meet up with Miles, then the answer is definitely no.”

“He’ll have left Verona by October,” David reasoned.

“No.”

Joshua had realised a long time ago that David was secretly in love with Miles.

The feeling was not reciprocated. David held no attraction for Miles whatsoever.

If only I was thirty years younger, David mused.

Joshua, however, still regarded Miles as a threat, and their friendship was cool at best.

“I’m thinking Rome or Venice. Or both.”

David began working on a plan, but Joshua had known him long enough to spot it.

“And if Miles comes anywhere near us, I shall be on the first plane home.”

David had to admit defeat.

He changed the subject.

“You do realise that it will also be your father’s seventieth birthday while we’re away?”

“That’s tough luck.”

“But won’t you be expected to see him?”

“No.”

It hadn’t been the easiest time when Joshua’s parents discovered that he was gay. After weeks of arguments, they had eventually accepted that nothing they did was going to change anything.

That fragile peace came to an end when they discovered that Joshua was moving in with David, a man twice his age.

Joshua’s father tracked David down and accosted him in the street. He had accused David of many things, but one word had hit home.

Paedophile.

David hadn’t spoken to Joshua’s parents since.

Of course, the relationship wasn’t meant to last. David’s friends had told him so. Somehow, much to their amazement, and occasionally his, it had held together.

David had struck gold.

Joshua was polite and never caused a problem. Unlike most men his age, he turned out to be a homebody, shunning wild nights out in favour of spending time at home with David.

David encouraged him to leave his job serving on the tills at Morrisons and rather enjoyed the idea of looking after Joshua financially. But it had been a strain when the family fortune nosedived and David’s income from writing dipped.

Back then, David had rented rooms in Paddington, or the edges of Tyburnia, as he liked to call it.

And then Uncle William left Cleaver Square to him.

They moved to Kennington and couldn’t quite believe the number of rooms that were suddenly available to them. Joshua insisted that they should each have a room for their work: David for his writing, Joshua for his art.

David soon realised that his young lover had talent. Sketching, photography, creating monstrosities out of almost nothing. He paid for Joshua to study at art school, which widened his horizons considerably.

Joshua was intent on becoming famous and used David’s connections to climb the social ladder.

And David watched as the passive young man he had first met turned into someone with an unwavering focus.

The boy from Thamesmead was no more.

The journey had been fun, and the two of them loved each other immensely.

But they no longer had sex.

David couldn’t remember the last time they had been intimate. He could, however, remember the last time Joshua had rejected his advances.

He had said he was tired and wanted to sleep.

David had heard that excuse before.

That was six years ago, and he vowed never to embarrass himself like that again.

For a while, David had thought it was because of his age. He compared them to Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy, W. H. Auden and Chester Kallman, perhaps even Andy Warhol and Jed Johnson.

Eventually, David realised that Joshua would have to satisfy his own urges, which explained his suspicions about the brief excursions abroad.

David told himself that he no longer cared.

That was far from the truth.

His sex drive hadn’t waned. The opportunities had.

Joshua, to borrow the words of Boy George, gave the distinct impression that he would rather have a cup of tea.

Oh, to be young again, thought David.

And then he wondered whether it was youth he really missed.

Or simply being wanted. 

Shadows of Verona: Those We Trust


Signora Bruschi looked flustered.

She sat at the kitchen table with her arms folded. An unfinished crossword from La Settimana Enigmistica lay open in front of her.

When Bianchi and I walked in, relief washed across her face.

“Is something wrong, Signora Bruschi?”

“You’ve just missed Sandro,” she said. “Cola’s friend in the carabinieri. They’ve known each other since they were little boys.”

The name rang a bell. I remembered meeting him on Braccobaldo Beach the previous summer.

The look on her face suggested his visit had been anything but social.

“Sandro is a good boy,” she continued. “A good Catholic boy. He has grown into exactly the sort of man I always knew he would.”

She spoke as though she were trying to convince herself of something.

There was coffee simmering on the stove. I poured three cups while Bianchi, unusually quiet, sensed there was more to come and waited.

Signora Bruschi crossed to the dresser and opened one of the drawers. She took out a well-worn photograph album and laid it on the table before us.

Inside were photographs of Cola as a child. In one, he stood beside another boy, both grinning broadly, both missing their two front teeth.

“That’s Cola and Sandro on their first day at school,” she said, smiling despite herself. “Cheeky little devils. Now look at them. Two strapping young men.”

The smile lingered only briefly.

“Why did Sandro come?” I asked.

She sighed and glanced towards Bianchi, weighing whether to trust him.

After a moment, she made up her mind.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” she said quietly. “Sandro told me because Cola won’t listen to him. He hopes I might be able to make him see sense.”

“What did he say?”

“He wants Cola to stop working for Signor Valenti.”

Bianchi, absent-mindedly snapping the rubber band around his wrist, froze.

I wasn’t as surprised.

If Sandro had sought out Cola’s mother, it meant he was frightened enough to abandon discretion.

“Sandro says Signor Valenti is coming under scrutiny from the authorities,” Signora Bruschi continued. “He says Cola should cut all ties with him while he still can.”

“Zio pera,” Bianchi muttered.

“What exactly did Sandro tell you?” I asked.

“As you know, Signor Valenti is a wealthy man. He owns vineyards and olive groves, and everyone knows about his property developments around Verona. But Sandro says there are rumours he has connections with the ‘Ndrangheta.”

A chill settled over the room.

I knew enough about the ‘Ndrangheta to understand what that meant.

They were Italy’s most powerful criminal organisation, trafficking drugs, extorting businesses and washing vast amounts of money through legitimate investments across the country.

When I had first met Pietro Mancini, the police had already executed twenty-six arrest warrants and seized fifteen million euros in assets connected to the Verona network. Antonio Giardino—known as Totareddu—had eventually been sentenced to thirty years in prison, yet rumours persisted that someone else had quietly stepped in to fill the vacuum.

“Sandro is taking a tremendous risk by warning Cola,” I said. “If his superiors discover he’s discussing an active investigation, he’ll find himself in serious trouble.”

“And if Cola suddenly walks away,” Bianchi added, “Valenti will wonder why. Men like him don’t like people asking to leave.”

His words did nothing to steady Signora Bruschi’s nerves.

“Do you really think so?” she asked.

The truth was, I did.

What worried me most was how much Cola already knew.

From everything I had seen, his work seemed limited to maintaining Valenti’s estate, yet I still didn’t know how the two had become acquainted in the first place. If Sandro was right, perhaps the gardening was only what could be seen from the outside.

“Cola and Sandro argued about it,” Signora Bruschi said. “My son refuses to believe him. He says he’s not walking away from good money because of rumours.”

“What do you think, Signora?” Bianchi asked gently.

She lowered her eyes.

“I don’t know.”

“Sandro has nothing to gain by inventing this,” I said. “He’s trying to protect his friend. If he’s willing to risk his career, then he believes the danger is real. We have to persuade Cola to leave.”

Even as I said it, another thought gnawed at me.

If the rumours about Signor Valenti were true, where did that leave Valentina?

Her generous offer of work suddenly looked different. Had it been simple kindness—or had I been drawn into something without realising it?

I was no innocent. I’d cut corners often enough in my own life. But the mafia was another world entirely. Once you crossed paths with people like that, walking away wasn’t always an option.

Across the table, Bianchi chewed thoughtfully at his lip, waiting for me to say something else.

Being the oldest seemed to carry an unspoken responsibility.

I searched for words that might ease Signora Bruschi’s fear.

None came.

Instead, all I wanted to do was put my arms around both of them.

The David Problem: Notes from a Life


The 19.24 from Penzance

London. Summertime. The sun blazed and the city baked.

For weeks David had been bracing himself for the Wilhelm von Gloeden exhibition at the McDonald Gallery. He had written notes for the sixty photographs on display, along with an agonisingly long biography of the German photographer for the catalogue.

Now it was opening night. His work was done, and as he strolled along the Strand he felt an unfamiliar sense of relief. All that remained was to survive the evening. He hated social gatherings and would much rather have been sharing a quiet drink with Joshua.

Joshua, however, thrived on occasions like this. He would work the room, dropping discreet hints that he was an emerging force in the contemporary art world, and leave with a pocketful of phone numbers and invitations. David, inevitably, would be expected to accompany him.

His own intention was to remain firmly in the background.

He had already instructed the exhibition’s curator, an American called Nathaniel Wilson, not to mention his presence. David wrote under a pen name and was determined to keep his identity hidden. He had even insisted that his name be removed from all the exhibition material.

Joshua had also insisted on bringing Freddie.

As they approached the gallery, Freddie stopped in his tracks.

“They’ve shot the elephant,” he announced solemnly, “and now there’s a dead elephant in the road.”

Freddie claimed to see the dead.

“Fuck me,” David muttered. “That’s all we need.”

The McDonald Gallery was new. Its owner had installed enormous glass windows and joked that they allowed those without invitations to see exactly what they were missing. David hoped they wouldn’t see too much. Von Gloeden’s photographs were bound to provoke controversy.

His heart sank when he spotted Pamela Hutchinson standing just inside the entrance.

He had warned Nathaniel not to invite her. The warning had been ignored.

David slipped past her and leaned towards Nathaniel.

“She’s a fucking do-gooder,” he whispered.

Nathaniel merely smiled. The New Yorker possessed an enviable ability to brush off negativity. David, by contrast, briefly entertained the idea of punching Pamela in the face before remembering that doing so would rather compromise his anonymity.

They had arrived fashionably late. The gallery was already crowded with people balancing glasses of expensive wine and conducting earnest conversations. The art had become secondary.

David excused himself and wandered over to the photographs he had spent weeks studying. They felt strangely familiar now, almost as though they belonged to him.

His favourite hung at the end of the room: Peppino Scavo, photographed in 1901, reclining nude beside the sea with his eyes closed, serene and oblivious to the camera preserving him for posterity.

“Beautiful,” said a voice behind him.

Another lecherous queen, David thought.

Even so, he found himself agreeing. He had expressed the same opinion countless times while preparing the catalogue notes, but always in private. Hearing someone else voice it left him oddly possessive of the exhibition.

“I’ve been told the notes were written by a famous author,” the man continued. “Any idea who? Hollingworth, perhaps. They have his style. If not him, I’d put money on Tóibín.”

David sighed inwardly.

If the man had done his homework, he would already have known exactly who had written them.

David checked his watch. Daniel should have arrived by now.

They had met on a nudist beach in Cornwall, where an awkward conversation about the paintings of Henry Scott Tuke had somehow blossomed into a friendship. David still winced at the memory of telling Daniel that he looked as though he had stepped out of one of Tuke’s canvases.

Their conversation had eventually turned to the von Gloeden exhibition, and David had invited him to London. The invitation had naturally included a bed at Cleaver Square. To David’s delight, Daniel had accepted and should have been on the 19.24 from Penzance. The 19.24 from Penzance, he thought. It sounded like the title of a crime novel.

His attention was drawn to Nathaniel and Joshua, who were talking to a tall young man with his back to him. There was something oddly familiar about him.

David threaded his way through the crowd.

“Owen,” he said, breaking into a smile.

The young man turned immediately.

“I was just chatting to my new neighbour,” Owen said, “and now the other one’s arrived. How are you, David?”

“New neighbour?”

“My grandmother left me her house, so I’ve decided to move in. At least for the time being.”

He meant the house next door, which had belonged to the Countess until her death a few months earlier.

David and Joshua had known Owen since he was a child and had always been the only neighbours to visit the family regularly. David was fond of the handsome young man, though he also knew about his unpredictable temper.

Approach with caution, he reminded himself.

“That’s wonderful,” David said. “But what brings you here?”

“A friend of a friend,” Owen shrugged. “I’m not convinced it’s really my sort of thing.”

Nathaniel’s eyes had already settled on Owen’s outfit.

“What a fantastic look,” he purred, admiring the suit worn over a plain white T-shirt. “You put the rest of us to shame. Come on, let me show you around. I’ll explain von Gloeden to you.”

He took Owen gently by the arm.

Owen glanced back at David as though asking to be rescued.

“There’s only one reason he wants to show him round,” Joshua murmured. “And I think we can all guess whose knickers he’d like to get into tonight.”

“Nathaniel can be remarkably shallow,” David replied.

At that moment Freddie appeared clutching a full bottle of wine. David glanced at the label—Domaine William Fèvre Chablis Grand Cru Les Clos—and suspected it cost more than he cared to imagine. Freddie had abandoned his crystal glass altogether and was drinking straight from the bottle.

“You’ll never guess who I’ve just seen,” he announced.

His voice had already risen several decibels.

“Please don’t get drunk,” Joshua sighed.

“Who’s drunk?” Freddie protested. “I’ve just seen Charles Dickens in the toilet.”

Several heads turned in their direction.

“Freddie, I would gladly kick you in the balls if it weren’t for the fact that you’re annoyingly handsome.”

David knew exactly how the evening would end. Before the exhibition was over, Freddie would have found someone willing to take a chance on him. The only uncertainty was whether he would sabotage his own good fortune by telling his latest conquest that Charles Dickens was standing behind them.

Only then did David notice Daniel.

The young man stood in the middle of the gallery, rucksack slung over one shoulder, quietly taking everything in.

David resisted the temptation to call across the room, I didn’t recognise you with your clothes on. It was a dreadful cliché, but also true. The last time they had met, Daniel had been sitting naked on Sunny Cove, hugging his knees against the sea breeze.

He realised there was one question he had never asked.

What had brought Daniel to a nudist beach in the first place?

Fully dressed, he looked broader than David remembered. His mousey hair had grown a little longer and a small stud glinted in one ear. Dressed like one of the skateboarders David often watched in Kennington Park, he looked entirely out of place among London’s art crowd.

Joshua, of course, had seen through everything.

On the drive back from Cornwall he had suggested, with infuriating accuracy, that David had taken a shine to him. Ever since, David had made a point of sounding carefully indifferent whenever Daniel’s name arose.

The irony was impossible to ignore.

Twenty years earlier David had written a novel about an older man who convinced himself that a much younger one was secretly in love with him. At the time he had never understood where the idea had come from.

Now, with some alarm, he recognised it.

He had become the man he’d invented.

At last Daniel spotted them and waved.

David pretended not to notice. Better to let Joshua take the lead.

“We’re glad you could make it,” Joshua said warmly.

“How are film studies?” David asked.

“They’re good. We’ve broken up for the summer now.”

“And who,” purred a familiar voice, “is this delightful creature?”

Nathaniel had evidently given up on Owen and returned with a new target.

Joshua made the introductions.

“So you’ve travelled all this way to see our exhibition,” Nathaniel said. “Tell me, are you familiar with von Gloeden?”

“Not at all.”

“Excellent. By the end of the evening you’ll be an authority. I trust you won’t be rushing straight back to Cornwall?”

“Daniel’s staying with us,” Joshua replied.

“And after that,” Daniel added, “I’m spending a few days in Henley-on-Thames with my girlfriend.”

The word landed like a punch.

David hoped his face betrayed nothing.

“We can all mourn the fantasy of what might have been,” Nathaniel laughed.

Joshua looked positively delighted.

When Nathaniel whisked Daniel away to deposit his rucksack in the cloakroom, Joshua turned to David.

“Feeling a bit bummed?”

“What on earth are you talking about?”

“Oh, get over it, David.”

As if matters weren’t bad enough, Pamela Hutchinson appeared.

“There you are,” she said. “I’ve been looking for you. No more hiding behind emails. At last I get to meet the writer in person.” She glanced around the gallery. “I notice your name is nowhere to be seen.”

“I’d rather the attention stayed on the photographs.”

“Or have you finally decided von Gloeden’s work really is pederastic?”

Fucking do-gooder, David thought.

Before he could reply, someone burst into song on the far side of the room.

“La da dee, la dee da…”

Pamela raised an eyebrow.

“I’d say somebody’s had rather too much to drink.”

Freddie.

Joshua hurried off to rescue the evening, eventually managing to shepherd him outside before he serenaded the entire gallery.

“If you’ll excuse me,” David said.

He escaped into the crowd, drifting through a succession of forgettable conversations before finding Daniel standing in front of another photograph. A glass of champagne rested in one hand, a smoked salmon blini in the other.

“Are these originals?” Daniel asked.

“Hardly. They’re modern prints. Even so, they’ll sell for a small fortune.”

“Do people really buy them?”

“More people than you’d imagine.”

Daniel smiled.

“And do you still think I stepped out of one of his photographs… the way you said I stepped out of that painter’s?”

“Tuke,” David reminded him.

The same mischievous smile.

David’s thoughts began to race.

Create some distance. Leave space. Find something else to occupy your mind. Half a loaf was better than none.

“You still haven’t answered.”

“What would you like me to say?”

“Nathaniel thinks I’d make a good male nude. Apparently he knows people in the film industry.”

David had encountered men like Nathaniel all his life. Charming. Persuasive. Always on the lookout for the next beautiful distraction.

But nobody could steal what had never belonged to you.

“Be careful of Nathaniel Wilson,” David said. “Men like him can be very persuasive. Stay close to Joshua and me instead. We’ll make sure you survive the evening. Besides…” He smiled. “What would your girlfriend have to say?”

He felt quietly pleased with himself.

The point had been made.

But Daniel was no longer the shy young man David had met on the beach. Somewhere over the past few weeks he had realised the effect he had on people and was perfectly content to let them compete for his attention.

“That’s funny,” Daniel said, grinning.

“That’s exactly what Nathaniel said about you.”

Daniel wasn’t choosing sides.

He seemed perfectly happy to sit on the fence and watch everyone else do the choosing.

 My Week, For What It Was Worth

On playing football with the Boys of Taormina…
I have never been attracted to German boys. They can be among the most beautiful, but the language itself has always struck me as cold and harsh. Yet Severin, from Bremen, changed all that. He has been with me for a week now, sleeping beside me in the small hotel on Via Don Giovanni Bosco. Alfio, the receptionist, seemed rather taken with him and turned a blind eye when I asked whether Severin could stay until he got settled. His new job as a waiter has been delayed for another week, though the restaurant promised that his room would soon be ready.

I learned that Severin had a boyfriend, a Spaniard called Estaban, who had remained behind in Turin. He spent a great deal of time on the phone to him, usually trying to reassure him that, although he was sharing a bed with another guy, nothing had happened.

That was partly true. We had both once been Pietro’s “boys”, and there was a reluctance on either side to go where a dead man had already been. It was as though Pietro still maintained some hold over us; we might almost have been brothers, and anything sexual felt faintly incestuous. Yet every morning, when I woke, I would find Severin with his arm draped around me, cuddling, it seemed, with someone he trusted.

Severin is easy to be around: always a few steps behind me wherever I go, yet never overstaying his welcome. He has told me much about his homeland, where his father taught at the University of Bremen and his mother at the University of the Arts. Bremen, he said enthusiastically, was a working-class city that had built its fortune on its port and shipyards — a fact not lost on the Allies during the Second World War, when the city was heavily bombed.

After leaving school, Severin worked at Beck’s Brewery, but was dismissed after being caught having sex with a fellow worker on the bottling line. His abrupt departure prompted him to travel across Europe, eventually ending up in Turin, where he met Pietro and became, in effect, a kept man.

Pietro had obviously singled Severin out for his Nordic looks — a twenty-first century vision of the Aryan “master race”: blond hair, blue eyes, pale skin. There was also the fact that Severin was athletic, and a devoted supporter of Werder Bremen.

Severin discovered that I too liked football and had once played competitively when I was younger. That discovery prompted him to buy a cheap football and seek out a patch of wasteland where we could have a kickabout. Before long, local boys began drifting over to join in, and soon we found ourselves playing fierce, high-intensity matches, with slabs of concrete serving as goalposts.

It became an Italo-Anglo-German affair, proof that football can be loved by everyone, regardless of nationality. Alas, the Italian boys put Severin and me to shame; too many years of smoking, drinking, and inactivity had rendered us ineffective against the tireless boys of Taormina. But it made me feel like a young boy again – innocent and carefree.

The focus is the big phallus…
Alfio had a night off and promised to take us to Castelmola, a picturesque medieval hilltop village perched directly above Taormina. “It will be the perfect night for you guys,” he said with a wink, though it seemed more likely that he fancied his chances with Severin, who remained entirely oblivious to his advances.

Alfio ordered a taxi, and a journey that should have taken ten minutes was completed in half the time. The dusty Mercedes hurtled up the steep, narrow, winding road, revealing breathtaking glimpses of Mount Etna and the Ionian coast below.

We arrived in a small square, from which Alfio led us up a short flight of stone steps into Bar Turrisi. Judging by the greetings he received, he appeared to know everyone there.

Alfio explained that Castelmola had grown around the ruins of a tenth-century Norman castle, its streets narrow, ancient, and full of charm. Bar Turrisi, however, was something else entirely. Opened after the war and passed down through generations, it was said to have been founded by descendants of families who had migrated centuries earlier from Pompeii, bringing with them the city’s ribald fertility symbols. The restaurant, Alfio told us with evident delight, still celebrated that inheritance.

At first, the significance of this escaped both Severin and me, but we soon understood. Across all four storeys, there were penises everywhere one looked: wall paintings, well-endowed statues, phallic liquor bottles, shot glasses, lamps, mirrors, even the plumbing fixtures above the bathroom sinks. The food menu itself was shaped like a penis.

“I knew you would be impressed,” Alfio said, guiding us towards a table overlooking Taormina below. “The people here never wanted to be part of Taormina. They value their independence. But Castelmola was founded to watch over and protect the town.” Unfortunately, night was already beginning to fall, and the views slowly disappeared. The blue sea darkened into a black mass, though the lights of Taormina still sparkled beneath us.

“They filmed The White Lotus at the Four Seasons San Domenico Palace in Taormina,” Alfio told us. “The cast used to come here regularly. They started calling this place ‘the penis bar’.”

Alfio ordered a Sicilian pizza, its ingredients largely a mystery to me apart from the cheese, though it tasted wonderful. We washed it down with a local almond wine, supposedly an aphrodisiac, which Alfio clearly hoped might improve his chances with Severin. As for me, I seemed excluded from his ambitions, though he nevertheless ordered another bottle — this one in a distinctly phallic shape, decorated with traditional Sicilian artwork — and insisted that I drink a generous amount of it.

As my stupor deepened, I found myself wondering how one might write about an overdose of penises without making it sound tacky — which, strangely enough, it was not. “They are symbols of sexual potency and fertility,” Alfio explained smugly, once again for Severin’s benefit, “and also of the virility of Sicilian men.” Severin, meanwhile, remained blissfully unaware of the attention directed at him.

It was only when yet another bottle of almond wine appeared, and Alfio insisted that I finish most of it, that I finally grasped his strategy: get me drunk enough, and he might have Severin to himself. By then, however, it was too late for me to do much about it.

The next morning I woke with a punishing hangover, Severin’s arm once again draped around me. My head throbbed, and Severin seemed in no hurry to wake himself. Still, I managed a smile. Alfio’s attempt to seduce him had failed.

On hearing a story that amused me…but shouldn’t have
At a restaurant in Taormina, an old man told us the story of his brother, Salvatore, who, back in 1958, had been abandoned by the woman he was supposed to marry. The humiliation drove him into such despair that he swallowed an overdose of sleeping pills. He was taken to hospital in Syracuse, where, still determined to end his life, he hurled himself from a window — only to land on a balcony below. Bruised but alive, he was carried back upstairs. Three hours later, he climbed to the very same window and jumped again. This time he missed the balcony and died.

“Oh,” I laughed awkwardly, “third time lucky.”

The old man responded by banging his walking stick sharply against the table, which suggested that my attempt at humour had not been appreciated.

On not upsetting a Sicilian…
“The Cosa Nostra is still active in Sicily,” Alfio told us. “But these days it is discreet. Drugs, the pizzo, infiltrating businesses — that is where the money is.”

“What is the pizzo?” I asked.

“Protection money,” he replied. “Money extracted through intimidation or extortion. It comes from the Sicilian word pizzu — ‘beak’ in English. To let someone ‘fari vagnari u pizzu’ — ‘wet their beak’ — means to pay them off.”

The warning beneath Alfio’s explanation was perfectly clear: do not offend the Mafia. Fortunately, that seemed unlikely. I would soon be leaving Sicily — and leaving Alfio and Severin behind with it.

“But honour can be dangerous too,” Alfio continued. “Even an ordinary man in the street feels the need to defend his honour. So you must be careful not to insult him.”

Severin then recalled an unsettling story he had once read online, one that seemed to confirm Alfio’s point.

In 1993, a father, unable to bear the shame of having a homosexual son who worked as a prostitute, allegedly paid for him to be murdered. The son was shot in the stomach while soliciting clients in Messina. His father was later jailed for hiring an eighteen-year-old assassin to carry out the attack.

“There, you see?” Alfio said triumphantly. “That old man in the restaurant — the one whose brother needed three attempts to kill himself — was offended by your joke. But he only banged his walking stick on the table, when he could just as easily have paid someone to shoot you.”

And then he laughed.

On finding old illustrations…

On the cute and willing…

Michelange Bédard. Photo by Fernando Landin, 2026