Tag Archives: like

Tanned, sweaty, half-naked bodies, with dirty feet

How to Have Sex / Molly Manning Walker (2023)

There is a scene in Molly Manning Walker’s coming of age movie, How to Have Sex, where Mia McKenna Bruce’s character, Tara, walks along Dinokratias, the wildest street at Crete’s Malia Beach.

It is the morning after the night before.

The sun is rising behind the mountains. The bars are closed. Rubbish is strewn along the street, the wind gets hold of it and blows empty bottles along the warming tarmac, there are discarded flip flops, and piles of vomit that will soon be scorched by the sun. It is deserted, except for the solitary bar owner who sits looking at an apocalypse that must be cleaned up.

I’ve gone back in time, same place, same time of day, only a distant year.

Hours earlier, the street had been full of kids like me enjoying drunken depravity. Drink after drink after drink, until the world had started to spin, and where I had to park my backside on the kerb and listen to banging dance music, and the screams and shouts of people who, the more they drank, got louder and louder.

The sticky heat of the night, with the smell of wild orchids, and sun lotion, and Davidoff Cool Water. Tanned, sweaty, half-naked bodies, with dirty feet. Skimpy shorts and ripped tee-shirts. Pecs, tits, and tattoos. Gold chains and nipple piercings. Skinny Joes with holiday haircuts. Six-pack caballeros. People who were in love with everyone. A moment that would bookmark itself in the subconscious , until the day you see a movie that reminded you.

Then there was the shirtless guy with long legs and sticky out ears who parked his arse next to mine and offered me a bottle of lukewarm water. He chatted shit, but we were strangers who were in this together, and he suggested we take a walk. I followed him through tiny dusty roads, away from the noise and crowds, to where it was dark and quiet, and cicadas sang while we talked.

He told me about his shitty job in a supermarket, his girlfriend who had got pissed and gone off with another bloke, and his brother that nobody knew about, who was in the nick for murder. I told him how popular I was with girls, which was true, and he was impressed. There is little else to remember except that we talked until the sky lightened, a cockerel crowed, and he said he must go back to where he was staying in the hills.

By the time I walked back to the apartment, Dinokratias had ditched its partygoers. There were no tears in my eyes like Tara had in the movie, but there had been a feeling of satisfaction, that I had experienced something unique, a moment in time when I had met somebody who I would never meet again. I never asked him his name, but he had been happy, and drunk, to tell me everything about himself, safe in the knowledge that what he told me would go nowhere and quickly forgotten.

How to Have Sex / Molly Manning Walker (2023)

I have no idea what he is writing about, but it might not have happened anyway


I have reached the end of André Aciman’s Homo Irrealis Essays, and it has been a long journey. I finished it, and realised that for the most part, I have no idea what Aciman is writing about. As I’ve mentioned before, this is perhaps because I am not as clever as he is.

But I have persevered, and he talks about irrealis moods and uses examples from his interesting life, in books he has read, and in the movies he has watched. I have even taken the trouble of researching ‘irrealis moods’ but became more confused.

I have tried to explain it to my partner and got it hopelessly wrong.

“Something that happened, but might not have happened, but we expected it to happen, therefore it might have happened, but we did not realise that it had happened, and might not have even happened yet, but might still happen.”

I can take satisfaction that I have at least written like Aciman, even if it is entirely incorrect.

There are fantastic lines in the book that I wish I had written… if only I had been clever enough.

Charlie / Blessed have not seen yet still believe

Image: Charlie Besso

Charlie is finally back from France. He spent Christmas and New Year with his family in Paris and on the day I expected him back, he messaged to say that he’d gone to Lille instead. I didn’t ask why.

“How was your Christmas?” he asked. “Ok,” I said, “it was a quiet one, but Christmas was ages ago.”

Levi had spent Christmas with his mysterious girlfriend and the apartment had been depressingly subdued. I’d spent Christmas Day watching movies on Netflix.

“I have something exciting to tell you,” he said. “I met a guy in Paris who thinks I should be a model.”

“That’s good,” I replied, “but be wary of anyone who says you could be a model, even though he might be right”.

“I know, but this was different, and he invited me to go to Lille for a photoshoot.”

Charlie opened his phone and showed me photos from his Instagram account, the same one that he’d blocked me from seeing. There he was, in various stages of undress, and I had to agree that he looked good.

“The shoot was called Catholica,” he continued, “and the photographer thinks I make a good catholic boy.”

Looking at the erotic images, I would have described Charlie as anything but.

“Did you get paid for it?”

“There was no money, but it was good exposure.”

I felt like telling him that I’d done so much for exposure, but it rarely reaped rewards. I had learnt that exposure meant giving something to someone for free.

“I didn’t realise that you wanted to be a model.”

“I am a painter, but I believe I could make a career as a fashion model. It pays to multi-skill.”

In the time that I’d known Charlie I had realised that he was a dreamer, but that added to his French charm. He was certainly handsome, if not on the small side, and he certainly had the physique.

“Can I have a good look at the photos?” He hesitantly handed me his phone. His cheeks coloured, as if he was embarrassed to show me, and I flicked through them.

“They are very good,” I conceded. “Will you show them to Levi?”

“I think that Levi will have seen them already, because he follows me on Instagram.”

“Ah yes,” I responded, “he showed me while you were away, and I realised that I couldn’t see them because you’d blocked me.” Charlie couldn’t look me in the eye and looked nervously at the floor. “I’d like to follow you because I think your photos are excellent, but you obviously don’t want me to see them.”

“It’s not that,” he said,” I thought that you would think badly of me.”

“Not at all,” I told him, “I’m proud that you want to do something different, and the photos are very creative, but I understand if you don’t want me to see them.”

Whilst I was scrolling, I noticed a photo. It had been taken in Paris and showed a guy with his arm around Charlie. The guy had a baseball cap and wore a big coat that said, ‘blessed have not seen yet still believe.’ He had a broad grin that was matched by the one on Charlie’s face. They looked happy. I handed the phone back and pretended that I hadn’t seen it.

“I shall unblock you.”

At that point, Levi, the Polish boy with a broad Yorkshire accent, came in.

“Charlie, you’re back.”

“Hello Levi. Yes, I am back. What have you been up to?”

Levi nodded towards me. ”Did he tell you that I got him drunk?”

“No, he didn’t.”

“It was an amazing night. So good that he asked me to sleep with him.”

I squirmed with embarrassment because it was the first time that Levi had mentioned it and I had hoped that it had been forgotten.

Charlie was shocked. “What do you mean?”

“He said he wanted to take me to bed, but I had to turn him down.”

There was a strange look on Charlie’s face, and I couldn’t tell if it was pity, or disgust. He shook his head and went to make a coffee.

When I checked later, Charlie still hadn’t unblocked me, and I didn’t want to remind him because it might make me look desperate.

I mentioned it to Levi later who thought about it before responding. “There are some parts of his life that Charlie doesn’t want you to see.”

Only those blue eyes might have given him away

It was incredibly cold. He wore a thick coat and long scarf, a snood covered his face, and he sported a black woolly hat. Only those blue eyes might have given him away, but nobody gave him a second glance.

The tram was crowded, and he had to stand, but he didn’t mind because he could watch people and not be recognised. He didn’t normally mix with these people but there were no airs and graces, no standing on ceremony, just ordinary honest folk going about their business, and that was a comfort to him.

What would they say if they knew who was standing beside them?

He got off somewhere in the suburbs and called at a Londis where he asked for twenty Marlboro Gold. He looked at the shopkeeper who appeared nervous, like he was going to be robbed, and only afterwards did he realise that the man was suspicious of his American accent.

It was a short walk to the tiny terrace on a side street, and he knocked on the door. It was opened by John who gave him a peck on the forehead.

“I didn’t think you would come.”

“Why wouldn’t I come?”

“It’s just that you are a famous actor, coming to my house for tea.”

Back in the States, tea was called dinner, and this amused him.

“Where would you like to eat?”

He took off his winter clothing and settled on the sofa beside the fire. “I think we should eat here and watch Emmerdale and Coronation Street.”

My friend says I’m delusional

I have a friend request on Facebook from Cameron who is Gen Z beefcake and part twink. I’m flattered. But there is a problem. Trouble always follows him. My friend says reject it, but I believe that if somebody sends a friend request then they obviously fancy you. My friend says I’m delusional, and I hope he’s wrong, but seldom is.

I try to rid myself of the guilt by staring at the books stacked beside my bed

It’s late and I can’t sleep because Ben’s messaged me. “Are we having a catchup this year, or should I wait until 2025?” He wants to go out for a drink, and I’ve been avoiding him for months. It’s only the second day of the new year and I reply by saying that it will soon be next year. I once loved him, but now he annoys me.

I try to rid myself of the guilt by staring at the books stacked beside my bed.

Jarvis, who grew up in a house that is less than a mile from where I am now, and who went to school with my friends. A nerdy genius who made something of his life and that makes me envious because he’s rich and successful and has a smart apartment in Paris. I’m not particularly fond of Pulp but he fascinates me, and I think he’d be good to chat with over a pint.

Noel, who wrote twee plays and witty songs like Mad About the Boy that people had no clue about its meaning. Being gay meant something entirely different then. I don’t suppose he’d have been good to chat with over a pint because it would have been gin and tonic and chilled champagne. And that plummy voice would have irritated somebody with a northern accent like mine and I would have punched him in the face. “Oh darling, I am bleeding from the nose, it is most inconvenient.”

André, who once wrote a book that I thought could be a wonderful movie and my friend said I was silly. All I shall say to my friend now is…  Call Me by Your fucking Name. André’s essays wobble between lustre and mundane. As such, he makes me feel inadequate because his lengthy musings bore me, and I realise that I’m not intelligent enough to understand these scholarly thoughts.

Handsome in Italy

Emauele Palumbo / Actor / Handsome in Italy

You are the son of Venus, Goddess of Love, because you are Italian with thick black hair and dark seductive eyes.

You gave me a red rose and spoke of your sacred mother who ran towards her lover to warn him about the plot to murder him. She cut her ankle on a thorn bush, and her blood turned into blooming red roses wherever it touched.

“I will stand by your side,” you said. “I am showing you my depth of commitment and my intention is to build a lasting and meaningful relationship that is based on my love and devotion.”

I took the red rose and thought about passion and love, romance and deep feelings, desire, beauty, harmony, joy, luck, and pride.

That enchanting fragrance mingles with the water, salt, and the delicious oils of the body.

Charlie / I knew that he’d be devastated when he saw the message

Image: Charlie Besso

Charlie is in Barcelona for the week. He messaged to say that he’d been on the beach, but it was colder than he’d expected. He made no mention of what he’d been doing at night, but described a black eye he was nursing without saying how he’d got it. Levi said that Charlie was either shagging or was lovesick for him.

The apartment seemed quiet without him, and I kept looking at the unfinished paintings scattered across the floor. 

On Sunday night, Levi, the Polish boy with the broad Yorkshire accent, suggested that we should go into town. I’d heard stories that his boisterous behaviour often leads to the unexpected, but I reluctantly agreed.

We visited bar after bar, Levi leading the way, and he knew every doorman and bartender. He was never once asked to show his ID, while I had to keep showing my driving licence to prove that I was far too old to be going into these venues.

After losing count of the number of Vodka and Cokes we’d drank, Levi suggested that we had a Tiki Fire which turned out to be a spiced rum with an eye-watering 75 per cent alcohol content. He downed his in one, while I made several attempts to swallow mine.

“Did you know that Charlie has an Instagram account?”

“Doesn’t everyone,” I replied.

“Yes, but did you know that he posts raunchy photos of himself and has about ten million followers?”

“No,” I said, and started searching for his page online. I couldn’t find it, and asked Levi to help. He couldn’t find it on my phone either.

“He’s blocked you.”

“Why would he do that?”

“Because he doesn’t want you to see it.”

I felt a little hurt at this revelation but asked myself whether I would want to see it or not. I decided that I did.

“I’ll show it to you if you want,” said Levi, and within seconds had Charlie’s page up on his iPhone. 

“Hasn’t he blocked you too?”

“No. He wants me to see it because he loves me.”

I scrolled down and was shocked (and impressed) to see Charlie in various stages of undress. The manipulated backgrounds made the photos look quite arty when they had obviously been taken in the secrecy of his bedroom.

“I had no idea,” I said.

“Put your eyes away and don’t tell him that I’ve shown you.”

When I have too much to drink, I tend to get mardy, and this was one of those occasions. I wanted to message Charlie and ask him why he’d blocked me, but I remembered my golden rule of never messaging or posting anything on social media when I’m drunk.

Alcohol also makes every guy that I look at appear more desirable than they are. 

The Tiki Fire had made Levi even bouncier, but I could feel every drop of it going to my head. We went to sit in a quiet corner while I chewed over Charlie’s Instagram account.

I looked at Levi and realised that he was good looking and at that moment I was in love with him. .

“One day I’ll take you to bed,” I told him.

He thought he’d misheard me and asked me to repeat what I’d said.

“I said that I like the idea of sleeping with you.”

“Oh,” was all he could say.

“Did you hear me?”

“I did,” he replied, “but we’ll have to see what happens.”

“Is that all you can say?”

“There is a problem,” he said, “and I want to stay faithful to my girlfriend.”

“You have a girlfriend?”

“Yeah, but I thought that you knew.”

“This is a night of surprises,” I said disappointed.

“Like I said, we’ll have to see.”

“I’m going outside for a cigarette.”

I got up from my seat and almost stumbled over a stool. I tried to walk towards the door in a straight line, but I was fooling no one. 

After putting the cigarette in my mouth, the wrong way round, I realised that Levi had followed me.

“Are you okay? I hope I didn’t upset you.”

“Not at all,” I said. “Why would you think that you’d upset me?”

“I thought that you might have been expecting something that I can’t give you.”

“Oh my God! I was only joking with you, ” I lied, “and I’m really pleased that you have a girlfriend.”

I smiled, but it was a fake smile, and Levi’s face suggested that he didn’t believe me. Far from being my normal collected self, I’d been a fool, and left Levi feeling very uneasy.

“Let’s have another drink,” and he patted me on the cheek. That was about all I was going to get off him.

He went back inside, and I messaged Charlie.

“Did you know that Levi is straight and has a girlfriend?” 

Charlie didn’t reply, but I knew that he’d be devastated when he saw the message, and that’s what I wanted.

That Moment / A crackle of excitement

That moment was meant to be. A crackle of excitement that bubbled up and brought with it the unwatered lust of these desert years