Author Archives: Delicto

The Year I Loved Him and Said Nothing


Harry Oldham is writing a novel based on his criminal and sordid past. To do so, he has returned to live at Park Hill, where he grew up, and the place that he once left behind. That was then and this is now, in which the old world collides with the new. (Parts 1 to 18 are available to read in the menu)

Perfectly Hard and Glamorous – Part 19

April 1984
When you look back over a life, there’s always a year that stands out. My annus mirabilis was 1984. Not that anything exceptional happened. But things were happy, and I was rolling in money.

It was also the year I turned eighteen.

Now I’m about to turn sixty, and it feels like a distant memory. Almost a life that belonged to someone else.

I remember one April night. The days were getting longer, and when darkness fell the sky above Park Hill was clear and moonlit, the air sharp with a chill. I leaned on the balcony rail and told myself something I had started to believe.

I was a male prostitute.

That didn’t bother me.

I thought about all the names people might have used to describe me. Queer. Faggot. Bender. Nancy boy. Shirt-lifter.

None of them applied.

Because I wasn’t any of those things.

I was straight.

Anyone could see it. I was a good-looking lad who could get any girl he wanted. That was obvious to everyone.

Especially Andy and Jack.

That year I’d become a bit of an enigma to them. I still hung around with them like I always had, but they didn’t know what I was really doing. None of us had jobs—we were living on the dole. Wasters, really. Nothing to do and nowhere to go. Boredom got us into trouble more often than not.

Our parents hated it.

But I didn’t care.

I didn’t need a job.

I always had money.

More than enough.

Andy and Jack couldn’t work it out. They didn’t understand how I could afford to go out most nights. What annoyed them even more was that I never invited them along.

We’d grown up together. We knew everything about each other.

Or at least they thought we did.

Andy took it the worst.

One night he punched me in the face. We were walking down the street when he suddenly turned and landed one on my chin. I charged at him and shoved him over a wall before Jack managed to drag us apart.

Later Andy said he didn’t know why he’d done it.

But I knew.

He could feel there was something about me he didn’t understand anymore.

Something I wasn’t telling him.

And there was Paolo.

I’d kept him away from Andy and Jack for a reason. If they ever met him, it would be game over.

Paolo was my work partner.

And because I kept telling myself I was straight, I hadn’t admitted something else.

He’d also become the person I cared about most.

Things had changed the year before. One side had been taken out… and those of us left were requisitioned by the survivors. Frank Smith had it all planned. Stage one complete. Now on to stage two of his masterplan.

The new world he dragged us into was worse than anything before.

But it paid.

Men didn’t just watch anymore—they wanted us. Big houses. Fancy mansions. Weekends filled with food, drink and sex.

A lot of sex.

And money.

So much bloody money we didn’t know what to do with it.

Sometimes it felt like we’d already sold everything there was to sell. Our innocence. Our dignity. Our bodies.

But every now and then we escaped from it.

One night Paolo curled up beside me in the back of a big Ford Granada and asked if he could stay at my place. His black curly hair brushed against my cheek, and I realised I liked it.

My parents were away visiting relatives in Skegness, and my younger brother Adam was off somewhere up north on a school trip.

There was no reason to say no.

Besides, I wanted him safe.

Photograph: David Sillitoe/Flickr

We got dropped off on Duke Street and walked in silence to my parents’ flat. Paolo had his coat wrapped tightly around him and a scarf pulled up around his neck so that he looked like one of those preppy American boys from the films.

I didn’t know much about the place where Paolo lived.

But when I opened the door to ours it smelt of burgers, chips and stale cigarettes.

I suddenly felt ashamed.

Paolo grabbed my hand like a frightened kid and let me pull him inside.

The flat was silent.

What we were doing felt wrong—but exciting at the same time. The same thrill I used to feel when the Geisha Boys broke into someone else’s place.

Except this time it was my home.

Paolo stayed close while I switched on the lights, hoping nothing embarrassing would reveal itself.

We were both bruised and exhausted. He asked if he could have a bath.

“I need to wash them off,” he said quietly.

The dirty old men.

I nodded.

He went into the bathroom and turned the hot tap full on. It ran loudly for a while before suddenly stopping.

“Harry?”

His voice echoed down the hall.

“Where are you? Come here.”

The door was unlocked. Paolo was sitting in the bath hugging his knees.

“Are you going to join me?”

I shook my head.

“Harry… I’d really like you to get in with me.”

So I undressed and climbed in.

It felt strange. We both knew every inch of each other’s bodies, but sitting there face to face suddenly felt awkward. I stretched my legs either side of him and he rested his elbow on my knee.

“The first time we met,” he said, “you hit me.”

I remembered.

“I didn’t know you, did I?”

“Would you ever hit me again?”

“No,” I said. “And now I’d hit anyone who hit you.”

Paolo smiled at that.

“I love you, Harry.”

I grimaced.

That was what Geisha Boys were supposed to do.

We slept together in my single bed that night. Nothing happened. He held me all night and I kept my arm around him. When he finally fell asleep, I rested my chin on his thick curly hair.

For a moment I felt something close to peace.

It didn’t last long.

The next day Andy called me a faggot.

He’d seen Paolo go into my flat.

“Who the fuck was that you took home?”

This time I hit him first.

I punched him so hard his nose burst and blood ran down his chin.

“You’re a cunt, Andy. That was my cousin.”

He didn’t believe a word of it.

“You’ve gone fucking weird,” he said.

Later Jack rang.

“Harry, you’ve busted Andy’s nose.”

“He called me a faggot,” I said. “And I ain’t no faggot, am I?”

“Nah,” Jack said. “I told him that. But he’s still pissed off with you.”

I couldn’t tell Jack the truth.

Mostly because I didn’t know it myself.

I wanted to say something else.

Do you remember Mr Johnson who taught us English? Let me tell you something, Jack. Last week he fucked me up the arse. Yeah. Our school teacher rammed me from behind.

But I ain’t no faggot.

But I couldn’t say that.

Could I?

I also remembered something else.

Years earlier we’d all been drunk at a party and ended up piled together on a sofa. We were messing around, laughing.

Then Andy and Jack kissed each other.

Properly.

Tongues and all.

That pissed me off. I stormed out and walked the streets for an hour because I was jealous.

But that didn’t mean anything.

Did it?


“A penny for your thoughts, love.”

I was sitting in June’s kitchen stirring a mug of tea far too many times.

“I’m a bit confused, June.”

“Is it Frank?” she asked.

“He’s the least of my problems.”

She smiled.

“So that means you’re thinking about Paolo.”

I gave her a look.

“Paolo’s a jewel,” she said. “And you, Harry, are a rough diamond. But when you put the two together something beautiful happens.”

“I ain’t queer, June.”

She didn’t argue.

“But you care about him,” she said gently. “And there’s a fine line between caring for someone and loving them.”

“It’s all a mess.”

“Is it?” she said softly. “I don’t see why.”

She leaned forward slightly.

“Paolo is a wonderful person. And I think—for the first time in your life—you’ve met someone who adores you exactly as you are.”

I looked down at my tea.

“Accept that,” she said. “Give him the chance.”

“And what happens then?”

June sighed.

“Harry… I don’t like what Frank’s doing to you both. I’ve told him so. But despite all that…”

She paused.

“I think something unexpected has happened.”

“What?”

“You’ve fallen in love with him.”

I laughed at that.

But June didn’t.

Frumpy old June—with a voice like an angel—had just told me the truth.

And I still wasn’t ready to hear it.

A Kind of Fear. A Small Retreat


The thought had never even occurred to me. I genuinely just assumed he wasn’t interested. That was the simple explanation. I made a move, Oscar politely declined, and I retreated into my own embarrassment like a responsible adult.

But Alfie wouldn’t let it go.

“There’s a lot of energy around you,” he said. “It makes people feel exposed. They don’t always know how to handle it.”

I laughed it off at first. It sounded dramatic. But later I started replaying things.

I had been too focused on not humiliating myself to notice the details. The pause before he answered. The way he clenched his fists. The fact that he held eye contact just a second too long before looking away.

Alfie had noticed.

“There was interest,” he said carefully. “But when he realised it might actually become something real, he pulled back. Did you see him blush?”

I hadn’t. I’d been too busy overthinking my own tone of voice.

“He wasn’t rejecting you,” Alfie continued. “He was protecting himself.”

I don’t know. Maybe that’s giving him too much credit. Maybe it’s just a way of coping. But when I think about it now — the way he looked at me before he looked away — it didn’t feel cold. It felt cautious.

“He finds you intimidating,” Alfie added. “Magnetic. But intimidating.”

That word stuck.

Maybe he’s not distant. Maybe he’s careful.

And maybe — just maybe — the story isn’t over.

Stolen Words – At Dawn – Bertram Lawrence

Sicilian Youth with Flowers – Wilhelm von Gloeden (1900)

He came in the glow of the noon-tide sun,
He came in the dusk when the day was done,
He came with the stars; but I saw him not,
 I saw him not.

But ah, when the sun with his earliest ray
Was kissing the tears of the night away,
I dreamed of the moisture of warm wet lips
Upon my lips.

Then sudden the shades of the night took wing,
And I saw that love was a beauteous thing,
For I clasped to my breast my curl-crowned king,
My sweet boy-king. 

John Francis Bloxam writing under his pseudonym of Bertram Lawrence . It appeared in The Chameleon, a one-off literary magazine edited by Bloxam, in December 1894.

The Apprehension is for the Possibility

Apprehension – Charlie Marseille (2026)

I have a feeling that something bad might happen. It makes me nervous. Like when you want to have a shit but you’re worried because the drains keep backing up.

The Boy Danced Naked Under the Apple Tree

Naked – Charlie Marseille (2026)

The apples were nearly ripe. Red where the sun had kissed them too hard, green in the hollows of shade. Some were freckled, some split open already, pale flesh browning, bees drunk on the sugar. The smell hung low and thick. 

He didn’t decide to dance. It happened the way shivering happens. One bare foot scraped the ground, testing it. His shoulders rolled, stiff and then looser, like he was shrugging off something heavy. His arms lifted, awkward, elbows bent too sharply, wrists slack. He laughed under his breath at how stupid he must look, alone in a field with no one to see.

That was part of it. The not-being-seen.

But the boy danced naked under the apple tree.

Stolen Words – Hopeless Love – J.G.F. Nicholson

Hopeless Love – Charlie Marseille (2026)

Mainly I strive to show by deed and word
How great my love for you, how deep and strong;
Daily you hear my heart’s one passionate song,
And still pass on as though you had not heard;
Your slightest smile, your gentlest glance can gird
My suppliant life with joy that lingers long, –
You touch my hand, and straight a gladsome throng
Of hopes are born, and all my soul is stirred.

But ah, you do not understand nor see,
And when my looks of my devotion tell
You deem it but some pitiful wayward spell;
Love comes not my interpreter to be,
And in your eyes, because you love not me,
My greatest fault is loving you too well!

From Love in Earnest – Sonnets, Ballades and Lyrics by J.G.F. Nicholson (1892)

Ignacio Martínez Moreno, in Uranian Poetry: The Homosocial and Homoerotic Paradox (2020), describes John Gambril (Francis) Nicholson as “a prisoner of his feelings, only able to express them through poetry.” Hopeless Love reveals a form of homoeroticism in which the lightest touch can unleash a flood of feeling—emotions that need not be reciprocated to ignite passion within the poetic voice.

Oh yes, I know this all too well.

I perceive beauty where others see none. I feel a desire that no one else seems able to recognise. He is the pearl concealed within a hard exterior. Through close proximity, a sense of deep familiarity takes hold, awakening attraction and affection that override his less generous qualities.

It is an obsessive infatuation, one in which reciprocation will never arrive—because he refuses, or is simply unable, to see the effect he has on me.

And no matter how hard I try… it is not recognised.

Tolerance is a very dull virtue. It is boring

“A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.” – Oscar Wilde

Why do people talk shit and think that I am interested? The problem is me. I sit and listen and do my best to look interested, but it gives them an excuse to come back and talk even more boring shit. I need to stop being a drip tray.

Edmund John: The dead do not speak, and what remains is conjecture

Edmund John (1883–1917)

“I give my white-skinned boy a pearl
Fair as his body and as strange
As still pools veiled in mists that change
Their mysteries as they wreathe and curl:
— So that his visions ever be
Wondrous and subtle as the sea,
I give my white-skinned boy a pearl.”

This verse comes from The Seven Gifts by Edmund John, published in the May 1916 edition of The English Review. It was introduced with the following note: “Suggested by the fragment of a letter from an Athenian father to his son, in the time of Pericles, now in the possession of Sydney Oswald, Esqre.”

The note was almost certainly fiction—an artful screen to disguise the real impulse behind the poem. Edmund John liked writing about boys.

One of Britain’s most obscure poets, Edmund John (1883–1917) was never afforded the opportunity to establish a reputation. His premature death at thirty-three ensured that his name would slip quietly into obscurity. Only three volumes of poetry were published: The Flute of Sardonyx (1913), The Wind in the Temple (1915), and the posthumous Symphonie Symbolique (1919). Today, he is largely forgotten, his small but striking body of work almost entirely overlooked.

John was born in Woolwich on 27 November 1883 to a Welsh father and a Scottish mother. He studied science—particularly biology and chemistry—before turning to philosophy. With his brother, he ran a boys’ school in Crouch End, supplementing his income by coaching undergraduates.

Travel appears to have played an important role in his development as a poet. The introduction to Symphonie Symbolique suggests that Cuba left a lasting impression:

“Where the glowing colours of the South, the luxuriance of the tropics, provided his palette with a richness that it did not possess before, and gave to his verse an almost exotic warmth and splendour.”

The Flute of Sardonyx (1913). Reprinted in 1991 (The Old Stile Press) with pencil drawing by Nicholas Wilde

His first book of poetry, The Flute of Sardonyx, gained immediate notoriety upon publication. Critics were, for the most part, receptive—perhaps because many failed to grasp its implications. One who did not was James Douglas, a prominent literary critic, who launched a fierce attack on both Edmund John and Stephen Williams, author of the book’s introduction.

“Williams in the introduction of The Flute of Sardonyx seeks to justify or excuse these poems by citing Milton’s definition of poetry, and he implies that Milton meant by the word ‘sensuous’ not merely the normal, healthy, and wholesome senses of the normal, healthy, and wholesome human being, but also the debased, depraved and degraded sensations of a perverted and abnormal erotomania. I have not the slightest doubt that in a court of law an English jury and an English judge would not hesitate to condemn Mr John as being guilty of a gross offence against elementary propriety. I demand without delay the volume should be withdrawn in deference to what I believe to the inevitable and inexorable verdict of public opinion.”

One poem in particular, Salome, provoked Douglas’s outrage.

“These stanzas, I venture to affirm, are of a vileness hitherto unparalleled in English poetry. Nothing approximating to or of approaching depravity has, as far as I am aware, ever been tolerated in English literature.”

Others were scarcely more forgiving. A. E. Manning Foster, writing in The Bookmarker, observed:

“Salome is an Aubrey Beardsley picture in words, and yet it is not entirely pleasing. Mr John brings into his poem what Oscar Wilde in his play on Salome and Flaubert in his short story never did—an unhealthy, perverted strain.”

Herbert Jenkins, John’s publisher, abruptly withdrew The Flute of the Sardonyx, later reissuing it in a revised edition that was, as one commentator noted, “meeker than the Shakespeare we use at school.”

One of the few surviving biographical sketches of Edmund John appears in George Norman Douglas’s memoir Looking Back: An Autobiographical Excursion (1933).

“We met through his sending verses to The English Review after the publication of The Flute of Sardonyx, and it often struck me how greatly his person resembled his writings—sensuous and ornate, elaborate in manner, a little over-dressed, too many rings and tiepins, too much thought expended upon the colour of socks. He would have grown out of these incongruities had he lived. Meanwhile he was young and handsome.

“He could drink like a fish and remain perfectly sober. In those days I bought my whisky in kegs, and it was alarming to see how he could put it away. Good company! At such moments he cast off that veil of precocity, though a certain refinement always clung to him; it was part of his nature.”

John’s second volume, The Wind in the Temple, published in 1915, was widely praised.

“The superb loveliness of these stanzas are beyond praise,” wrote the Westminster Gazette. “Seldom has the enhancing beauty of Greek thought so captivated the soul of a poet; seldom has this enchantment been rendered so felicitously in modern verse.” The Evening Standard noted: “Although owing much to Arthur Symons, these poems have a magic all their own, for Mr John knows the value of the leash, the most difficult of all lessons to be learnt.”

Edmund John in military uniform

Around this time, John enlisted in the 28th (London) Battalion, the Artist’s Rifles, to fight in the First World War. Founded in 1859 amid fears of a French invasion, the regiment attracted volunteers from public schools, universities, and the creative professions—painters, musicians, actors, architects.

John’s death in 1917 might easily be assumed to have been a casualty of war. Douglas, however, suggests otherwise.

“In his correspondence he told me that he had been invalided out of the army (in 1916) on account of his heart. He had also married for money, as he frankly confessed. His tastes were luxurious; coaching, and an occasional volume of verse would never make him feel at ease. It looked as if all were going well, yet I did not like the nervous tones of his letters….”

Seeking to recover his health, John travelled to Italy and settled in Taormina.

“It is a site of great distances—its soft colouring—its streets hushed at noonday as by some weird enchantment—its leaning walls in flower—its secluded gardens—its terraces—its lemon and almond groves; its crystal air, crystal and flare at noon, opal and pearl at either edge of the day; its castled crests and crumbling ruins.”

An obituary followed:

“On the 28th February (1917), at Taormina, Sicily, Edmund John, of heart failure, beloved husband of Kate Dalliba John, of Florence, and dearly loved eldest son of Thomas and Margaret John of 20 Cranley Gardens, London, aged thirty-three.”

Douglas corrected the record bluntly:

“I replied to John’s letter on the 19th of February 1917. On the 28th of the same month he killed himself. A miserable ending of which he seemed to have had a presentiment.”

From this point onward, certainty dissolves. The dead do not speak, and what remains is conjecture.

Certainly, John suffered from a debilitating heart condition and bouts of depression. But other forces may have contributed.

“Ah God, it was the Hope gave to me,
Within the womb, of things unknown and fair,
The Bud that blossomed into this Despair.
Art Thou content, O God, with thus Thy work?
Art Thou content that Thou hast planned so well?
That Thy cold hands have thrust me into Hell?”

The Flute of Sardonyx. Pencil drawing by Nicholas Wilde (1991)

John’s poetry is suffused with Uranian themes—a term coined in the nineteenth century by Karl Heinrich Ulrichs, before the invention of the word homosexual.

“His eyes are brothers to the sun and sky,
His body’s fragrance haunts the murmuring wood,
And all the flowers are singing where he stood,
And all the leaves are chanting their reply.”

In The Wind in the Temple, love is repeatedly figured as adolescent beauty.

“His body is like milk edged with rose-colour rare,
With vine and lure of hemlock in his red-gold hair,
Night-kissed, that burns and gleams;
His grave sweet scarlet lips are parted voicelessly,
His eyes like stars reflected in a violet sea
Of dawn and dreams.”

And elsewhere:

“Harder, press harder with your scarlet mouth;
Lie close, limbs woven of the passionate South;
Twine nearer, subtle satin limbs of June,
Burn your gold scented body into mine,
Cling to my lips with yours of Graecian wine,
Cling closer till the blood come and life swoon…”

Yes, Edmund John was a Uranian poet, and he harboured pederastic desires. Men and Boys (1924) reproduced part of a letter he wrote to a “young friend”:

“I have received your adorable, illustrated letter this morning and loved it so much I immediately made an altar before it, lit by amber candles in copper candlesticks, burnt incense before it and kissed its extreme beautifulness.”

Did his homosexuality weigh heavily upon him?

That John died in Taormina is suggestive. Long regarded as a “Queer Eden” for artists and intellectuals, the town was famed for its beauty, Greek mystique, and relative tolerance—an atmosphere reinforced by Wilhelm von Gloeden’s homoerotic photographs of local youths. Oscar Wilde and André Gide had passed through; later visitors would include Truman Capote, Tennessee Williams, Gore Vidal, Jean Cocteau, Thomas Mann, Somerset Maugham, and Roger Peyrefitte.

There is also the unresolved mystery of John’s marriage to Kate Dalliba, reportedly solemnised in Florence.

“Kate Dalliba, of St. John’s Wood. Famous for her Sunday night salon, referred to as The House of Music. Wealthy musicians in evening dress rub shoulders with poor and budding young geniuses in wrinkled light clothes and soiled linen. All here is democracy, art, Bohemianism.”

Born into a wealthy family in Cleveland, Ohio, Dalliba used her fortune to support artists such as Ezra Pound, Ida Rubinstein, Olga Rudge, and Ildebrando Pizzetti. She lived in Florence and maintained her London house as a free lodging and performance space for travelling musicians and artists.

It is entirely possible that John, described by George Norman Douglas as being poor, was drawn to her wealth. He had openly admitted that he married her for money. The rich older woman and the handsome young poet might have passed, outwardly, as a conventional May–December match.

Whether Dalliba later recognised the truth of the arrangement—and whether this recognition had consequences for John—remains unknown. She herself lost most of her fortune in the Wall Street Crash of 1929.

What remains is a handful of poems, a scandal, a life cut short, and the faint outline of a gifted, troubled poet whose voice—sensuous, excessive, and dangerous—proved too much for his time.

The Flute of Sardonyx. Pencil drawing by Nicholas Wilde (1991)

A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints

A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints (2006). Directed by Dito Montiel. With Channing Tatum as Young Antonio and Shia LaBeouf as Young Dito.

There was this guy, always half-naked like he was daring the block to say something. All nerves and sweat and attitude. All fight in him. You could smell the testosterone, I swear—like sweat, cigarettes, and bad decisions mixed together.

You ever hear somebody get called Pistachio Dick? Yeah. Welcome to Queens. Ho yay!

Antonio was like that with Dito—mean to everyone else, but around him? Forget it. Full guard up. Like he was protecting something he didn’t even know how to name. Two guys, both tough, both turning red whenever they got too close. Nobody said anything. Nobody had to.

And here’s the thing that kills me about Channing Tatum—this guy did nothing. Nothing. Just the right sperm hit the right egg and boom, whole fuckin’ world started orbiting him. Not my line. Some guy named Anonymous said it. But yeah. That’s how it went.

The ‘Stripped Down’ Spectacle

Frazer Harrison//Getty Images

The body grows older; the mind, one hopes, grows softer. Justin Bieber steps onto the Grammys stage wearing little more than boxer shorts and black socks, and suddenly we declare him grown. A raw act, we’re told—an offering of honesty, of soul laid bare. Others call it baffling, even disturbing, unsettled by a performance that flirts so closely with undress. But who are we to protest?

Once, the disdain came loudest from older men who sneered at his pre-pubescent voice, his softness, his prettiness—at the very things that made him desirable. He was easy on the eye, a doll to be admired and dismantled in the same breath. It was fashionable to hate him.

Then came the litany of recklessness: urinating in a restaurant mop bucket, the abandoned monkey in Germany, the tabloid parade of bratty excess. Legal troubles piled up, stories of disrespect followed close behind, and obscene wealth insulated him from consequence, from the slow education of ordinary life. Entitlement clung to him like cologne.

And yet here we are. A sharp crew cut, a half-naked body under the glare of millions, and absolution arrives. Forgiveness, it seems, does not always come through music. Sometimes it comes through the body.