Tag Archives: life

That moment/Obsession with failure

I’ll never know how I became infatuated with a spotty 21-year-old straight lad. I’ll never know why I become obsessed with anyone. Occasionally, somebody comes along who destroys me. And it happens when I least expect it. I might have known them ages, and one day, I turn around and see them, and I think, I’m in love. And then, I follow a ritual of making them love me. But they never do. Not anymore. He was the same. Happy-go-lucky, handsome even with the spots, and a suggestive habit of taking off his shirt. He had a fine body. There was acne on his back, but it didn’t matter. He was clever and played the game. I tried to indulge him with money, and he accepted, but it was never a route to his heart.

That moment/Late night snow tales

It snowed heavily, and the night grew darker, and bewilderingly silent. It reminded me of a Sunday night many years ago. The snow had fallen and trapped us inside, and there were only three TV channels to watch. But late at night, we watched an American TV series called Nero Wolfe that starred that fat bloke from Cannon. I still remember that episode. Many winters have gone. But tonight, when snow fell and we were trapped once again, we dared to switch on the heating and watch TV.  And late at night, with thousands of programmes to choose from, we spent an hour deciding what to watch, and I realised that this was the same length of time it had taken to watch Nero Wolfe back then. This time we chose a movie, The Power of the Dog, and felt sadder and colder.

That moment/Shoot that poison arrow

Model: William Kanuka

The night of the poison arrows. One came left. One came right. And all those poison arrows hit me where it hurt most. Straight through the heart. After all these years, that ABC song finally meant something. Life has a habit of firing poison arrows when you least expect them. And all because two people I cared about got it on with one another. Petty jealousy is worse when you’re drunk. But when I woke up next day the poison arrows were still there.

“Who broke my heart, you did, you did.
Bow to the target, blame Cupid, Cupid.
You think you’re smart, stupid, stupid.
Shoot that poison arrow to my heart”

That moment/Eighties lad

Gavin Watson/Oh! What Fun We Had/Damiani/2019

Eighties lad. Anger. Arrogance. Hormones. Confusion. You let me run my inquisitive fingers over your innocent chest and pinch those indulgent nipples. And then, with burning eyes, you always hit me.

That moment/Chatting that gangsta shit

I think you are curious. I see you in the streets with your mates and people walk away. They are frightened. But once a week you come on your own and stand around the back and chat gangsta shit. And beneath that swagger is something that isn’t you. All the while, you play inside your boxers, and then take out a cigarette, and give it to me, and I always accept.

That moment/We walked blind-folded into a room

We walked blind-folded into a room. The man placed us back-to-back and left. I felt the warmth of your body against mine. I turned around and wrapped my arms around you. And then I nuzzled your thick hair and it smelt of coconut.

The photograph is Destiny, a creation by the artist Massimiliano Rossetto.

Le Trumpet – high up in the sky the little stars climb

Benoit was sixteen on the night his grandfather died. He climbed onto the roof, curled up against the warm chimney, and looked over the rooftops of Le Septième.

His grandfather had been ill for months. The tiny bed had been pushed against the window where he would watch the street and its people. In the evenings, Benoit’s mother sat beside him, and talked about old times.

When he died, they both cried.

That night, Benoit listened to the noisy traffic, police sirens, and the animated chatter from Café Maxim below. As it got later, the traffic quietened, and voices were replaced by the clatter of plates being washed in the kitchens. By the early hours, most Parisians were asleep.

It started to rain, and Benoit found the sound of raindrops trickling down the sloping roof strangely reassuring.

The city grew quiet, and the people of Paris slipped into their beds. A church bell chimed one o’clock and Benoit listened carefully.

It was a familiar sound.

A mournful trumpet played across the dark rooftops, and it was his grandfather’s tune.

Benoit thought about the battered old trumpet that still lay beside the empty bed, the one that used to play Stardust.

***

Sebastien was in the market when somebody told him that Landry had died in his bed.  

The news made him sad, and he went for a walk to remember the good times he’d had with the old man.

With a baguette under his arm, he walked beside the river where the fishermen on the bank thought he looked a lonely sight.

When it began to go dark, he walked through the park and kicked autumn leaves like he used to as a little boy.

Sebastien was twenty-two now and was at the Paris Conservatory where he studied classical trumpet.

He thought of the day outside Café Maxim where Landry had showed him the trumpet he’d found in the attic of an old house in Normandy and then taught him how to play it.

And Sebastien played it quite well and was good enough for his parents to buy him a new one that had cost a lot of money.

Sebastien called at Café Maxim and spoke with Landry’s friends. They bought him a beer and ate the baguette that had snapped into two pieces, and they all agreed that they would miss the old Frenchman.

They raised several toasts to Landry, and it was after midnight when Sebastien arrived home.

He climbed the rickety stairs to the flat on the top floor and opened the French windows. The breeze caused the curtains to billow inwards and the first drops of rain started to fall.

He looked at his shiny trumpet and thought about the first tune he’d played.

The clock from the church chimed once, and he put the trumpet to his lips and played in memory of Landry.

It was Stardust.

That moment/Eyes that see in the dark

A boy in a hoodie stepped from behind a bush. We both hesitated. He seemed surprised to see me.

I saw a handsome young boy with intriguing eyes, but I couldn’t have because it was too dark. Maybe I’d seen something I hoped for instead.

We passed each other. After a few paces I turned and watched him disappearing into darkness. But he also turned and seemed embarrassed.

I’d like to think that our eyes met, but it was impossible to tell.

We continued walking, and when I looked around again, he’d gone.

I thought about it afterwards. A lonely field. Nobody around. Why had he been there? What had I been doing there?

I thought he might be an attacker, but I hoped he might have been a quick fuck in a bush.

He might have seen me as a murderer, but I wasn’t, and so he might also have seen me as a quick fuck in a bush too.

Neither one of us would ever know. I’d missed an opportunity, and I hoped he thought the same.

However I look, it’s clear to see

Electronic/Getting Away With It/1989

“Luke. It was good to hear from you after all these years. I miss you too. I’ve been thinking back to the time when you were eighteen and I told you about me. You were very kind.

“We went back to your house and listened to Pet Shop Boys songs in your bedroom. You took off your shirt and I couldn’t take my eyes away.

“A few days later, you gave me a CD single called Getting Away with It by Electronic. I heard it played on the radio recently and the words jumped out.

‘However, I look it’s clear to see, that I love you more than you love me.’

“And I realised that all those decades ago, I had missed the point.

“I think that we were once in love with each other but were too afraid to say.”

That moment/It’s so good to see you again

“Grab a cushion and sit down. Make yourself at home. Feel free to trash the place.”

These words from a famous old actress. Not ancient like Maggie Smith, but seasoned nevertheless, and we were in her rented apartment.

Our actress was in the provinces, biding time before the next big one.

“I’ve so enjoyed this past week,” and she poured me a large whisky.

We’d met in a bar, and I knew exactly who she was. And she’d sat down beside me and talked about her career.

We became good friends…. for that week at least.

She told me that she’d been asked to join ‘I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!” and I said not to do it, and she took my advice.

And that became the routine. Meet in the bar, back to hers, and talk until night turned into day.

A week later, she’d gone.

We kept in touch for a time, and then the messages stopped.

A few years later, I contacted her to say I was in London to see her show.

“How marvellous to hear from you again. That’s fantastic news. Make sure you come and see me in the bar afterwards. x.”

And I did. I waited in the tiny bar alongside celebrities who crowded around her when she eventually appeared. They told her how wonderful she was, and she loved it.

“Thank you darling. I’m so glad you enjoyed it. It was nothing really.”

I waited to speak to her, and when I did, she looked at me as though she’d met me for the first time.

I told her who I was. She pretended to know me. I knew she was high on adrenaline, or something else.

“It’s so good to see you again,” she said. And I thought, fuck you!

I asked the barman to take a photo on my phone. He obliged and on it you’ll see that I’m smiling, but at that moment, I was probably the better actor.

A man came over and spoke to her.

“Is there a problem here?”

“No darling, only a fan” And she turned to me and said, “But if you’ll excuse me, I must speak to somebody.”

I left, found another bar, and ordered a large cocktail.

I thought a lot about her.

She’d been a lonely individual in a strange city with nobody to manipulate that ego. I’d been the antidote to that. A friend for hire.

But back in London, with people she was comfortable with, I wasn’t needed, nor remembered, and certainly not welcome.

“Never forget where you came from and who helped you get there.” 

Yesterday I saw somebody I knew but didn’t like.

“It’s so good to see you again,” I lied.