Tag Archives: relationships

Something Worth Remembering

Dominik Datko and Maciej Poplonyk. Photographed by Arthur Iskandarov

Dominic chose fourteen stone steps to sit on. They hadn’t been cleaned in a century; weathered and frost-damaged, they had taken on a patina — the greyness broken by lichens and mosses, ivy-leaved toadflax, and ryegrass. He rested his head against the iron railings and sighed.

Arthur sat thinking below him, his legs sprawled across the pavement. 

 “Once upon a time, a horse and carriage pulled up, and a well-dressed man — wearing a top hat and fine coat — disembarked and climbed these steps. He rang the bell and waited while an old butler answered the door, then handed over the hat and coat before being shown into a reception room.”

“How do you know that?” said Dominic, who lit a cigarette and looked towards the front door. There was no grandeur anymore. A glass door stood behind a padlocked gate; dirty net curtains protected the inside from prying eyes. The house was empty and unloved.

 “You only say it because you are describing something that you have seen or read. You don’t know what happened, because you weren’t here.”

Arthur picked up a piece of stone that had crumbled from one of the two pillars at the foot of the steps. He examined it before putting it inside a trouser pocket. This was something else to add to his ‘shelf of memories’. One day, when they were old men, he would pick up the piece of stone and show it to Dominic and say, “Do you remember the day we sat on those stone steps?” But he doubted that Dominic would grow old.

“My dear boy, despite your charm and privilege, you sadly lack imagination and prefer to live that shallow existence on TikTok and Instagram. Such a waste of an upbringing.”

Dominic laughed.

“And besides,” Arthur continued, “you will never become famous if you don’t contribute anything worthwhile that you can be remembered for.”

“That, my love, sounds too much like hard work,” Dominic replied. “But I envy you, Arthur, because you believe that writing those shitty little posts will turn you into a brilliant writer.”

There was a note of sarcasm in his voice, and Arthur knew that Dominic didn’t mean to be unkind.

“It is true. There are millions of tadpoles swimming in this huge pond. Why should anybody take notice of this one ordinary tadpole? But, Dominic, it’s not about being a brilliant writer. It’s about learning from mistakes — because I look back at some of the things I’ve written and cringe. But I remind myself that writing is about me, and I write for my own enjoyment.”

Youth is a gift of nature, but age is a work of art


Suspicion — the cynic — grows tiresome after a while. He toys with a silver St. Christopher medal, the patron saint of twinks slipping through his fingers.

He’s doe-eyed, all innocence, and says, “I like older men.” I smile, let him think he’s got me hooked — but he’s no match for experience.

Still, he’s waiting for a response, so I play along.

“Why do you like older men?” My voice can’t quite hide the boredom.

“Because,” he says, “older men are more experienced.” An off-the-peg answer.

I lean forward. He flinches, thinks I might kiss him.

“Here’s how this goes,” I tell him. “You’ll want me to fall for you — to believe I can’t live without someone barely out of nappies. You’ll lead me on until you work out what you can get: a place to stay? Money? A holiday? A stop-gap? And then you’ll move on, find someone else.”

He’s shocked — hand over mouth, as if such despicable thoughts had never crossed his mind. But he knows it isn’t going well.

“I might be older,” I say, “but I once sat where you are now.”

He sinks into his seat.

“I played them all, never realising I’d grow old too. We all do — it’s the one thing we can’t control. But don’t worry. I’ve swapped seats, yes, but I’ve kept yours warm for you.”

Beautifully Broken


I tell myself I like people who are “real,” unpolished, unpredictable. Mild Tourettes, ADHD and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Everything that I need in a lover.

He flinches. He repeats. He forgets. I forgive. Again and again. Love as repetition, love as tic, love as pulse.

I tell myself it’s tenderness I’m after, but really, I crave the hum of his disorder. His chaos matches mine.

Every touch, every glance, every last bit of the body has a secret

Just Once – Charlie Marseilles

I met a guy who said he was a plasterer, just back from a job in Rome. His girlfriend, he told me, was at home with their baby. Straight up – or bullshit? Why would he come out alone, to a bar full of gay men? Charlie wandered over, and I asked him for a hug, but he pulled away and said he was tired. The ‘straight’ guy took pity on me, wrapped me in his arms, and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I thought how strange it was, this nightly congregation of strangers, everyone orbiting each other with their little stories: plasterers, lovers, liars, and ghosts. Maybe we all came here for the same thing – to be touched, just once, by someone who didn’t owe us anything.

Oskar: Constructing the Beautiful Stranger

A real life ‘victim’ with apologies – Oskar Panczyk – Instagram

A face flickers onto your screen, luminous against the glow of white. His name is Oskar. Polish.

Do not only look at him — look into him. Look deeper, into the fragile soul the image seems to hold.

Dark, floppy hair falls over his forehead. Eyebrows, plucked into careful shape. Blue eyes, steady yet uncertain. A nose — imperfect, bent by childhood misfortune. He will tell you he hates it. On his cheek, a beauty spot. Lips tinted red, like those of a silenced cherub. Skin smooth, unmarked, a faint pink warmth beneath it — the softness of someone who has not yet learned the burden of a daily shave.

He is handsome. He gazes at you — yes, you — though he cannot see you. You were not there when the shutter snapped. This photograph was never meant for your eyes. He looked into the camera, not knowing that one day 609 strangers scattered across the world would press little red hearts beneath his image and leave their offerings:

Awww. Feel better bby!!

You’re a great boy but why are you always so sad?

Need help warming up? 

Chat me… where you from?

The longer you stare, the closer you believe you are to him. It is no longer just his face you think you know, but his voice, halting in broken English. The scent of his skin. His small gestures. The rhythm of his days, chasing money. His favourite dish. The films and songs he loves. The clutter of his apartment, how he folds his clothes, where he hides his secrets. Your imagination strokes him into being, shaping him into someone almost yours.

But it is only an illusion. What you touch is not him, but your own invention — a caress of pixels, a silhouette of desire. This is a one-way street, where your longing paints him in colours he does not wear. The ‘halo effect’ blinds you, persuading you that the good you see must be true.

It is not. It never was.

What you hold in your gaze is not Oskar at all, but your reflection dressed in his borrowed face.

Fours Words in Sentences of Lust 

Everybody’s Fool – Charlie Marseilles

How did it happen?
I went for milk.
He served me milk.
Anything planned tonight mate?
I shook my head.
That’s a shame mate.
What are you doing?
Nothing at all mate.
I take a chance.
Come to mine then.
What are you saying?
Let’s watch a movie.
Not sure about that.
Please come, I say.
It sounds weird mate.
I tell him where.
He comes around later.
We chatted about things.
We watched a movie.
Gotta go now mate.
I don’t want that.
Please stay the night.
That looks bad mate.
It’s a good offer.
He agrees to stay.
We have good sex.
Next morning he’s dirty.
He takes a shower.
Gotta go to work.
I will miss you.
Miss you too mate.
Thanks for the milk.

Charlie: Between Silence and Skin

French Connection – Charlie Marseilles

The room where I try to write has slowly become the room where Charlie paints – always in nothing but his underwear, as though bare skin loosens his imagination. He fills his canvases with young men borrowed from Pinterest photographs, embellishing them with his own wild inventions. His pace is relentless; one wall is already crowded with finished works, while the others gleam with fresh white paint, waiting their turn.

I, by contrast, sit fully clothed at my desk opposite him, my screen a blank page that refuses to yield. His half-naked body distracts me more than the silence we share – a silence that can stretch for hours. My sentences falter, my fingers hover above the keys, while my gaze strays repeatedly to the slope of his shoulder, the subtle shifting of muscle beneath skin. When our eyes do meet, the faintest smile flickers between us, and in that moment, it feels as though the room itself has been written.

Our different pursuits seem to mirror our temperaments: Charlie paints with fearless exposure, while I write with restraint, dressed in caution. Yet the tension coils tighter. My prose begins to echo the shapes of his body, the rhythm of his movements, until the line between art and desire starts to blur.

At times I tell myself I am only imagining it – that Charlie is merely eccentric, his near-nudity no more than a quirk. But each page proves otherwise. It is littered with involuntary admissions: the shadows along his collarbone, the hush of his breath when he leans too close, the bare expanse of thigh against the studio chair. These confessions rise from me slowly, as though I am being coaxed – cornered – into acknowledging what I cannot claim.

Tonight, the silence shatters. My phone vibrates, abrupt as a stone cast into still water. Charlie turns at once, alert, the brush slipping from his hand. “I need a rest from painting,” he announces lightly. “Let me see what you’ve written.” He springs up, knowing I will resist, his request merely a pretext to draw near, to glimpse what has intruded into our silence.

It is from Bianchi in Verona. A thrill runs through me, but I dare not open it – Charlie would notice too much. “Who is Bianchi?” he asks, now beside me, his voice soft but insistent.

“A friend of Cola,” I murmur, unwilling to elaborate. The words hang in the air, evasive, unsatisfying, already unravelling.

Three words that make it the best moment of my life


This relationship is borderline and has been like this for years. A decade when we changed from boys into men. I have no idea whether this long infatuation has been about love, or lust, or perhaps both. But it is MY infatuation and not his. He sends a message with three short words – ‘YOU DA BEST’ – and I want to screenshot it. 

The Boys on the Bridge – The Last Game

Images – Merel Hart for Behind the Blinds

The warm light of day. A sudden shout. A boy’s voice: “Questa è la fine!” — This is the end! The cry carries over the water, impossible to know which of them called it, only that it came from one of these boys, each charged with careless energy.

“Con petto nudo,” comes the whisper — with bare chest. “Speak it now, or the moment will slip into memory.”

The dares run high: peer pressure, bravado, that fragile seam between recklessness and courage. None of them yet know it, but this is their rite of passage — the pivot between innocence and the pull of adulthood. Here, in the heat, end the rituals, the invisible hierarchies, the unspoken rules of the pack.

The summer outsider watches. Friendship, rivalry, longing, jealousy, innocence, danger — all play out before his eyes. And he understands the cry for what it truly is: not a game, not a dare, but a declaration.

It is the end.

Image – Merel Hart for Behind the Blinds

Straight Out of Verona – Part 7 – Finale

Ciao Bianchi – Charlie Marseilles

I had been summoned to Piazza Gilardoni, in the shadow of the Chiesa del Santissimo Nome di Maria—an imposing modernist church at Castel d’Azzano, some ten kilometres from Verona. The message had come from Cinzia, relayed with reluctance by Cola. During the drive he blasted Italian rap at full volume, perhaps to stop me asking questions.

We perched on a warm stone bench and waited. Cola, usually chatty, was subdued and chain-smoking.

The bells clanged on the hour. A man pruned branches into a heap outside the church, then stuffed them into a green bin. Another fussed with a watering can, an oddly futile gesture against the bulk of the trunk.

“My mother is angry with me,” Cola said suddenly. “She told me I should never have interfered—and if anything goes wrong, I’ll be the one to blame.”

I opened my mouth to ask what he meant, but at that moment I saw Cinzia and Bianchi crossing the road. For such a small suburb, the traffic was vicious. Cinzia waved, ushering us into a café called Al Quindese.

Inside, she kissed us both on the cheek, whispered something sharp to Cola, and ordered drinks. Bianchi scrolled through his phone, pointedly disengaged, not even looking up when she ordered him a shakerato and the rest of us espressos.

“It’s been a long time since we were last here,” Cinzia said. “Our grandmother grew up nearby. She still lives just around the corner.”

I tried again. “Why is Signora Bruschi angry with you, Cola?”

He faltered, glanced at Cinzia. She only smiled, unembarrassed.

“Perhaps I am the cause,” Cinzia said lightly. “I hoped you’d come today, though I wouldn’t have blamed you if you hadn’t. Cola knew the reason, but apparently he couldn’t tell you.” She shot him a disapproving look.

“I couldn’t,” Cola protested. “You already had a boyfriend—a Frenchman. And when I told my mother, she said we had no right to interfere.”

Cinzia leaned closer. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I only try to look after my little brother.” She spoke as though Bianchi could not hear, forgetting – or pretending to forget – that his English was weak.

Bianchi sensed the attention on him and glanced up, puzzled.

“I hope someone will eventually explain,” I muttered.

“Oh, it’s simple,” Cinzia said breezily. “Bianchi is shy. He’ll sit there looking innocent while I say anything I please about him. I could call him a murderer and he wouldn’t know.”

As she spoke, I noticed a man on a high balcony, leaning against a railing where laundry hung. Unshaven, in a crumpled shirt, he looked down on us from his faded yellow building.

“Tell me,” Cinzia asked suddenly, “do you like my brother?”

I hesitated. “I do. Provided he isn’t a killer.”

She laughed, then called something to Bianchi in Italian. He blushed, shrugged, answered. She translated with a mischievous smile. “He says he won’t kill you – unless you break his heart.”

“How could I possibly do that?”

“Bianchi is a baby,” she said, “curious, uncertain. But for now, he thinks he’s in love with you.”

Heat rose in my face. I looked at Cola for rescue.

“Sedici,” he groaned. “Cinzia, the boy is only sixteen.”

I stared. “But you told me he was eighteen.”

“I lied,” Cola admitted. “Otherwise you’d never have gone to the cinema with us.”

Bianchi smiled faintly and fixed his gaze on the Virgin Mary statue outside. Cola muttered something in Italian. Bianchi’s shoulders drooped.

“What did you tell him?” I demanded.

“That you’re only interested in girls,” Cola said smugly. “It’s safer that way. My mother will be relieved.”

Cinzia scolded him in Italian. Whatever she said, it lifted Bianchi’s expression again.

“I do like him,” I said carefully, “but I already have Charlie. And Bianchi… he’s far too young.”

“In Italy, age is not the same concern,” Cinzia replied. “The law is fourteen, regardless of gender. And Bianchi is capable of marvellous things.” Her eyes glinted wickedly. “He can squeeze the juice from an orange with the cheeks of his buttocks.”

Bianchi understood enough to flush crimson. Cola looked guilty, and I seized the chance to turn on him.