Tag Archives: loveislove

I remember you as you were


To those who came before,
Memory did not age us.
You did not grow old.
I remember you as you were.

The years dimmed the soul,
And the intoxicated dreams.

To those with dark hair,
And blonde hair,
And somewhere in between.

To those who came and went,
That looked like angels.
Fresh and slender,
With charms and flaws.
I remember you as you were.

Time is not kind,
It stole the looks,
It disguised the figure,
It aged the soul.
The handsome heroes departed.

Sweet youth blown away.
I might recognise you now,
But I choose not to.
Because I remember you as you were.

Charlie / He is only massaging my feet, so there is no need to be jealous

Image: Evan Bendall in The Lesson (2015)

Charlie has been nice to Levi, and he offered to take him out for the day in his Austin A35. Reverse psychology. If he’s nice to Levi, then Levi won’t tease him about having a crush on him. Levi has also been pleasant, and the other day he stood over Charlie and told him that he liked his paintings.

They are both playing mind games, and I am blissfully aware that they are using me to do it.

Whilst eating breakfast yesterday, Levi appeared in his underwear. He put his arms around me and whispered something in Polish into my ear. It sounded romantic but I don’t understand the language, and neither does Charlie, and Levi might have said anything. Charlie gave him a dirty look, and politely said, “Good morning. I hope that you slept well.”

Last night, we all stayed in and watched a movie. It was a low budget slasher film in which a teacher with a class full of unruly sixteen-year-olds finally snaps. One night, as two boys are walking home, he strikes, and drags them to a lock-up and cable-ties them to a desk. Thereafter, he gives the lesson of a lifetime, and if they get a question wrong, he drives a nail through the palms of their hands.

I shared the sofa with Charlie because Levi had occupied the chair where he would normally sit. Halfway through, Charlie stretched his legs and placed his bare feet on my lap. “Would you massage my feet please?” I was taken aback because this was out of character for him, but I obligingly rubbed and kneaded while he oohed and aahed. He’s got nice feet and moisturises them with something called Udderly Smooth that I presume is made from cows.

At that moment, the teacher used a nail gun to drive a six inch nail through one of the boy’s necks, causing lots of blood and gore to spew from his mouth.

“I find this kind of thing quite homoerotic,” Levi said.

“He is only massaging my feet,” gloated Charlie, “so there is no need to be jealous.”

“I wasn’t talking about you. I’m referring to boys covered in blood and driving nails into them.”

I went to bed and was listening to Troye Sivan on my headphones when Charlie appeared with a copy of The Hidden Michelangelo under his arm. “I’ve come to say goodnight,” he said, “and then I am going to read in my bedroom.”

I thought it was rather sweet because he’d never done this before.

Almost immediately, Levi brushed past him, and gave me a peck on the cheek.

He winked at me and squeezed Charlie’s backside as he left the room. 

Charlie looked bewildered, while Troye Sivan sang, “he’s got the personality, not even gravity could ever hold him down.”

Perfectly Hard and Glamorous / The only way is to play dirty

The story so far. Harry Oldham is an author who has been encouraged to return to Sheffield and write about his past. A chance meeting with a stranger called Tom brings back memories of Paolo, ‘one of the most beautiful boys I’ve ever known.’ The other Geisha Boys, Andy and Jack, take a backseat as Harry recalls the first time he met him.
(Parts 1-7 are available to read in the menu)

Part 8

It was the night we became Geisha Boys. The night we ran through the streets of Sheffield, laughing, covered in someone else’s blood.

We ran towards our block and didn’t see the two guys getting out of the car. Andy and Jack ran ahead, while I was spitting blood, and out of breath. 

I was grabbed from behind. I shouted to the lads, and they stopped dead in their tracks. They were my brothers, and they would help me. Except that they couldn’t. One of the guys waved a stick at them, a thick one, and warned them off.

“Keep on running you little turds. Because if you don’t, I’ll break your fucking heads.”

The boys hesitated but were powerless to help. They edged away, watching me, and disappeared up the stairs.

“Fuck! Don’t fucking leave me!”

The other guy held me tight. There was the faint aroma of Brut and petunia on him. The man with the cosh waited until Andy and Jack had disappeared and turned to me.

“Let’s get in the car.”

I was bundled into the back of a dark Vauxhall Chevette where there was somebody else. I tried the door handle to escape but it was locked and so thumped the back of  the driver’s seat in frustration.

The two guys got in front. The guy with the cosh was driving. The other one, who smelt of Brut and petunia, wore a flat cap and donkey jacket and looked straight ahead.

“Good evening, Harry,” he said. “The luck we’re having tonight. Who’d have thought it? A brawl in a bar. The aggressors running towards Park Hill. We thought, it couldn’t be?”

The car moved off and the guy beside me was quiet. I caught glimpses of his black curly hair as we passed under streetlights, the orange aura highlighting his dark features. 

“Harry, meet Paolo. He’s a fucking eyetie.”

We drove a short distance and pulled up on a road that looked over the city centre.

Frank Smith got out and opened the rear passenger door. “Out you get.” The lad called Paolo slid out and stretched. “You too Harry.”

He led us through a gap in a stone wall and sat us on a bench while he remained standing and looking like a council workman. The other one leant on the wall and lit a cigarette.

“Look at that view,” said Frank. “A big city with lots of people. Good ones and bad ones. We’re the good guys, but there are more bad guys than we’d like. Which side are you two on?”

Neither of us answered.

“A long time ago this city was run by bad guys. Did you know they called it Little Chicago? It was full of gangsters who thought nothing about kicking the shit out of each other. Then there were the knives and the guns. These were gang wars, the Mooneys and the Garvins, and the police couldn’t control them.

“But somebody sorted it out. Percy Sillitoe was his name. If he’d failed, then life for every respectable citizen would have been hell, but he succeeded and ended up running MI5. Clever bloke. Did you know that I read history boys?”

It was a school lesson forced upon us. We looked at each other in bewilderment and didn’t know what to say.

“Oh yes, I like history. Did you know that it gets twisted? Sanitised. Let’s look at Percy Sillitoe. Hard, focused and determined. That’s what we read today, but he was a scheming bastard, who fought fire with fire.

“I like to think I’m a bit like him. If you did everything by the book, then we’d get nowhere. In years to come, everything will be touchy feely, and I hope I’m not around because justice will side with the villains. Fucking chaos.

“Some people think I’m a bent copper. That hurts. All I want to do is suss out the shit, and the only way is to play dirty. I always get what I want.”

Frank turned to us.

“It’s a bit like the gang wars. The only way to deal with today’s bad guys is to eliminate them.  One by one. Are you with me?”

“What are you on about?” Paolo had spoken for the first time. His English was excellent but there was an unmistakable accent. 

“I need your help. Both of you. Paolo, fucking eyetie, with your boyish looks. Harry, the bad boy with a big flaw running right through him. Do you know what that flaw is, Harry?”

“No,” I replied.

“It’s going to slap you in the face soon.” 

Paolo looked at me, a fellow victim in this charade and his eyes showed fear. I didn’t know what to do. If he had looked closely, he would have seen that I was more terrified than he was.

“Kiss each other.”

What the fuck did Frank just say?

”Fucking kiss each other!” He stormed over and grabbed the backs of our heads. He forced them together until our noses almost touched, but we resisted, and Frank used his strength. Our faces brushed one another. Paolo’s skin was smooth with no sign of facial hair.

“Kiss goddammit!” Frank shouted. “Paolo, bender! You’ll enjoy it. Kiss the scabby shit.”

And Paolo did. A quick peck on the lips before forcing his tongue into my mouth. I couldn’t back away. He wrapped his tongue around mine and I had no choice but to do the same.

There was a flash of bright light, and I realised that the other copper had taken a photograph.

Frank released his grip. “That’s enough,” he  laughed. “I knew you’d both enjoy it. Didn’t I say so Brian? He looked over to his colleague who acted as if nothing had happened . “You see Harry, your eyetie friend likes snogging lads, and I dare say that he finds you attractive. Isn’t that right Paolo?”

The Italian boy was mortified. 

 “A match made in heaven. Now that you’re better acquainted, I’m sure you’ll both help me.”

“I don’t understand,” said Paolo.

“Percy Sillitoe succeeded because he played both gangs against one another. A word in one ear, a word in the other. He didn’t do a thing. It was a set up. And when one gang thought they’d won. he went after them next and destroyed them too.

“These are the eighties, and there are perverts in this city, but as always, there is more than one player. Player One is getting pissed off with Player Two, and so Player One says to me, ‘get rid of these bastards!’ I say that it will cost them, but we work together, and Player Two disappears. Then I come down heavy on Player One, and he disappears too. Get it?”

I was angry. “What the fuck has it got to do with us? We aren’t doing anything for you?”

Frank stared me out.

“I think you’ll both help me.”

“Get fucked!”

“Do you really want your parents to see a photo that shows you going at it with another guy? Better still, what happens if it gets into the hands of your low-life friends? You won’t be able to show your face on Park Hill again.”

The guy called Brian laughed.

“And what will your eyetie parents think when they see that their beloved Catholic boy is really a depraved bender?”

I exchanged nervous glances with Paolo.

“I won’t offer you a lift home because you’ve both got a lot to talk about. Somebody will be in touch.”

The two coppers walked back to the car, but Frank shouted something before driving off. It sounded like, “If they’d have let me, I’d have caught the Yorkshire Ripper years ago.”

Cliffside Jack / Why do good men have to die?

Jack Blanton. Image: Bob Hawkins/Remember Cliffside

I once went to a funeral and cried. It surprised everyone, not least Eleanor, because I wasn’t known for sentimentality. She gave me her handkerchief and I blubbered like a baby and everyone in church looked at me. On the way home, she said, “Joe, I didn’t realise that you knew Jack that well.”

There were a lot of things that my wife didn’t know about me. That’s the way things were. It was the last time we spoke about Jack Blanton.

***

It is now Christmas 1941, and that funeral was seven years ago. Eleanor and I are separated, and I only see the boys once a month. For the boys’ sake, she’s invited me to dinner, but a dark shadow threatens everybody’s celebrations because America is at war.

On Christmas Eve, I telephoned her and said that I wouldn’t be going.

At times like this, I needed a friend to turn to, somebody to share my fear of what lay ahead, because I knew that war would come for me. The only friend I ever had was Jack, and he’d left me in 1934.

I sat on the steps of Cliffside Elementary School, where both my boys attended, and thought how quiet and deserted it was at holiday time. It was a far cry from the schoolroom at the textile mill where Jack and I had met as young boys.

We came from respectable families and were inseparable. That surprised everyone because Jack had a God-abiding background whereas I hated religion.

I remembered the words of Pastor Hunnicut as we laid Jack to rest.

“Jack had a cheerful disposition and pleasant smile from which he greeted everyone, from childhood until his last breath, for he died with a smile of love and victory on his face.”

Kindness oozed out of him, and I never heard him say a bad word about anybody.

Jack was smart, cleverer than me, and he might have gone to college, but he was athletic and wanted to be a boxer instead. As kids, we filled an old cloth sack with horsehair and sand, then hung it from the beam of a ramshackle barn. I’d watch while Jack punched the heavy bag until his knuckles bled, prompting his father to buy him  his first pair of boxing gloves.

An old pro at the gymnasium taught him how to fight properly, and by the time he turned eighteen he was in boxing tournaments.

I sat in his corner, rubbed his shoulders between bouts, and gave him words of encouragement. In victory, he smiled, and in defeat, he also smiled.

When there was nobody left to fight in Cliffside, we travelled to Charlotte for the big fights. He was twenty when he knocked down Buck Bridgers to win the decision, and the following year he floored Lloyd Parris after two rounds.

Jack was the squarest and cleanest shooter to climb through the ropes, and all the girls adored him, but he wasn’t interested, and too busy to notice that I had gone off the rails.

While he lived his clean-cut life, I had become addicted to illicit liquor that I obtained from a jailbird at Boiling Springs.

The night he mistakenly drank the ammonia used to purify water; I was getting drunk with Walt Parker in his backyard. I heard the next day that he’d only taken a sip, but the doctor said he had to pull out of his fight with Jim Swinson.

I went to see Jack, nursing a headache and racked with guilt, and told him that he needed to look after himself because he was my best friend. That was when he told me he’d met a girl and was going to marry her.

I said that it was a bad idea and promised to get straight if he’d reconsider, but he laughed and asked me to go to the wedding.

Jack married Juanita Crawford at the Baptist Parsonage in Avondale, and everyone was shocked because it had happened so quickly. They looked the perfect couple, Jack with his Italianate looks and slicked back hair, and Juanita with flowers in hers.

She was a sweet girl, but I resented the fact that she had stolen Jack from me.

A few weeks later I got hitched to Eleanor, who said I was worth a shot and thought she could help me mend my ways. It was a shotgun affair and nobody else was invited. Afterwards, I told Jack, and he said that I should take good care of her, but I knew that by not inviting him to the wedding, I had hurt him.

The following year, Jack fought ‘Kid’ Belk for the Championship of the Carolinas at the County Fairground. It was a close contest, but he was outpointed, and I remember the look of disappointment on his face, as if he had let everyone down.

I told him that I was proud of him and to focus on his next fight with ‘Kid’ Belk, but Jack was knocked out in the third round.

He changed after that, as if he knew that he was never going to be a great boxer, and when Juanita became pregnant, his priorities shifted to finding a good job. But these were bad times, with long unemployment lines, and work was even harder to find for a twenty-three-year-old.

This despondency might have sent Jack the same way as I had, but he never touched a drop of liquor. The Cliffside Baptist Church was his escape, getting involved with all sorts of activities, and attending prayers every Sunday and Wednesday.

He trained young boxers at the school gym and was excited when he discovered the next Carolina Carnera, a young boy called Walter ‘Bill’ Hamrick.

We went fishing like the old days, and talked about our childhood, the failures, and our hopes and dreams.

“Sometimes our disappointments turn out for the best. I see now that it was best that I did not continue boxing,” he said.

With no job, and the need to make ends meet, Jack joined Roosevelt’s Tree Army, and spent eighteen months planting trees and shrubs near Forest City.

Before he left, he grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me straight in the eyes. ”Joe, I love you like I do my brothers, Bill and Jim, and my sisters, Georgia, and Lillie-Bell. If ever you are in trouble, you must call me.”

Jack received a monthly salary of $30, of which $25 was sent to Juanita to help buy food, clothing, and fuel.

When he returned, his church connections landed him a job as supervisor at Cliffside Waterworks, as well as becoming the district milk inspector.

The last time I ever saw Jack, he showed me the Charlotte Observer and a photograph of his young daughter, Peggy Louise, who had been chosen as a Cliffside mascot. She smiled like her daddy did, and I knew that Jack had reason to be proud.

A few weeks later, I did something bad, and killed a man who stole a dollar off me. I punched him on the jaw, and followed it up, punch after punch, like Jack had shown me. I left him in an alleyway and got drunk with Walt who said he would give me an alibi.

That night, I went to see Jack because he would know what to do.

“He’s sleeping, Joe,” Juanita said, “He’s sick. He’s got real bad stomach pains.” I pleaded with her to let me see Jack, but she refused to wake him. “I’ll tell him you called as soon as he’s well again.”

Jack never did get better.

On Monday afternoon he was rushed to the Rutherford Hospital where doctors operated for appendicitis, but they said gangrene had already set in. He died a few hours later.

I went to offer my condolences to Juanita who was comforting Peggy Louise on the porch.

“He could never see the bad in you, Joe.”

She gave me Jack’s boxing gloves with their brown patina and cracked leather.

While I was leaving, she called after me.

“Why do good men have to die, Joe? Why isn’t it the bad ones?”

***

Back on the steps of the Elementary School, the light was fading, and snowflakes had started to fall.

I reached into the inside pocket of my jacket and pulled out a faded photograph. It was a photo of Jack, taken at a studio on Drug Store Street, a few days before his fight with Jerome Spangler. That would have been about 1930 when he was twenty three.

His fists are raised, eyes down, and I won’t forget that thick black hair that reminded people of a matinee idol.

He was wearing red boxing shorts that were tightened with string because he had been too skinny. On them, were the sewn-on letters ‘LB’ – Lawrence ‘Jack’ Blanton – that his mother had once cut from black cloth.

“Jack, I sure as hell miss you.”

The ones I loved, and hated, because they weren’t interested

I once read a book and threw it away. That was twenty years ago, and I’ve regretted it ever since. Each chapter was a letter to the author’s seven lovers, and I’m thinking about doing the same.

My relationships have tended to be long, and as one lover left, the next one came along, and that means there will only be five chapters.

There is more mileage writing to the ones I really wanted, never managed to get, and who never wanted me.

These were the ones I couldn’t stop thinking about, who scarred me, whom I idolised without really seeing them as they were, as individuals with flaws and undesirable characteristics.

I remember them as the ones I loved, and hated, because they weren’t interested.

Charlie / It’s not red paint, it’s because you were blushing

Image: Darkness Drops

Charlie had been quiet for a week, still upset about Levi staying in the apartment.

“It is too small for three people, and I wanted to use that room as a studio.”

I’d told him that Levi was only here for a few weeks. I wanted to add that the arrangement was like his own, but he’d decided to make it permanent. I didn’t say anything because young French boys can be very temperamental.

“I miss our quiet nights together,” Charlie said sadly.

Levi, the Polish lad with the broad Yorkshire accent, had been a whirlwind, his energy blasting through the apartment. He went out, came in late, and slept until lunchtime. He’d told Charlie that he worked in a bar and was very popular with customers. I could imagine that because he talked and smiled all the time.

“You don’t like me, do you?”

The conversation took place on the balcony. Charlie, in his underwear because he’d been painting in the sunshine, and Levi, dressed in only his blue jeans.

I was conscious that old Mrs Hayward across the road would be absorbing everything as she watered her window boxes. There was a lot of naked flesh to see. I took them coffee and sat with them.

“It is not that I don’t like you,” Charlie replied, “it’s because you are always happy and too noisy.”

“I thought it was because you thought I’d stolen your boyfriend.”

“Are you sleeping with him?”

“You know very well that I’m not, and besides if I was, you’d be the first to know because you’d have heard us.”

“I am here,” I said. It had been a long time since people had fought over me, or at least appeared to.

“We are not boyfriends,” Charlie confirmed. “We are simply flatmates.”

Levi, smiling as always, sat back, and put his bare feet on the table.

“Then why don’t you like me?”

Charlie hesitated.

“I have told you already. You are too loud, and bounce around all day, and I cannot concentrate on my work.”

Levi got up and disappeared inside. Charlie smirked because he thought he’d scored a victory, but Levi returned with a damp cloth in his hand.

“What are you doing?”

Levi wiped a streak of blue paint from Charlie’s cheek.”

“You’re very messy when you’re painting.”

“I am not! I must have caught my hand on my face.”

“Blue and red makes you look cute,” Levi teased.

“I have not been using red paint.”

Charlie rubbed his cheek but couldn’t stop Levi rubbing it again, this time harder, and faster.

“Stop it!”

“I’m wiping your face like your mother used to,” laughed Levi, “and I’m sorry, it’s not red paint, it’s because you were blushing.”

He threw the dirty cloth onto the floor, sat down again, and put his feet back on the table.

“Your feet are dirty,” Charlie said.

“I think you make out that you hate me, but really you’re madly in love with me.”

“Sacré bleu! That is so childish.”

Charlie got up, straightened the band on his boxers, and went back over to the painting that had been drying in the autumn sunshine. Levi laughed out loud, mocking him, and Charlie could be heard swearing under his breath.

I listened to Levi’s laugh and Charlie’s cursing and felt disheartened. I’d thought that Charlie was envious because Levi had encroached on our lives. But what if it was true? Over the past few days Charlie had become increasingly hostile. Did Charlie really want Levi?

Beating Hearts of the Mermen

A sea-salt breeze. I think of Daryl Hannah in Splash inviting a young Tom Hanks to join her. I read an article that said that seventy-five per cent of mermen had an interest in mermaids as a child. In some stories they were very sexual, in others they sank ships, while others said they were royalty that ruled the sea. Are there really such things as mermen? And yet, I see one heading towards me now. He will invite me to take my last walk through the noise to the sea, not to die, but to be reborn.

Love Came For Me. Lyrics by Will Jennings & Lee Holdridge