I got stuck somewhere between narcissism and the Lego

Somebody will probably be able to correct me, but I cannot find any credible evidence that J. H. Newton was actually a psychologist in the 1940s. Perhaps he was. Perhaps he wasn’t. Perhaps these words came from the pen of a dedicated — albeit rather clever — hack, employed to churn out ‘The Psychologist Says’ every week.

Either way, read on.

What do we mean by the love life of the child? Psychologists usually divide the love-life of a child into three or four stages.

The first stage is known as the auto-erotic stage which appears in infancy. The child is interested in his own body and is exploratory. During this period the child will insert beans and other foreign particles into his nose or ears. During this age the child may also locate the erogenous parts of the body and begin the practice of sexual acts.

Psychologists designate the second period as the narcissistic period, originating from the story of the beautiful youth who fell in love with his own image in a glassy pool. In the very nature of the case the child loves himself first.

The third stage in the child’s love life is known as the homosexual period. It is the gang age of the boy. The boy is more loyal to his gang than his parents. The gang often has more influence over the boy than the home.

Dr. Ruch says from the boys’ club or gang, youth may learn lessons of loyalty, independence, and social-mindedness that may not be distinctly beneficial to the developing boy. Boys’ clubs may need some supervision, but not too much.

Some homosexuals may never recover. If they marry, the outcome is usually very unsatisfactory and unhappy. It is just as important that the homosexuals grow out of this period into the period called the heterosexual stage as it is that the youth learn writing, arithmetic and the rest. Happiness and success in life depends upon it.

The fourth stage of the child’s love-life is commonly called the heterosexual period. It is the period of love between the opposite sexes. It should be encouraged and not discouraged.

The first stage, the auto-erotic period, usually extends to the fifth or sixth year; the stage of childish narcissism, from the sixth to the eleventh year; the homosexual stage extends approximately to sixteenth or seventeenth year; and thereafter the heterosexual period.

From The Paris News, Texas, February 1941.

I might laugh.

Actually, I do laugh.

But it also makes me think.

About being five years old and being taken to hospital after pushing Lego pieces up my bum.

About apparently progressing beautifully through the narcissistic stage, because I was — and remain — completely in love with myself.

About failing to receive the appropriate supervision, thereby discovering that boy gangs were, apparently, incredibly erotic.

And about staying Peter Pan for considerably longer than the good doctor might have considered healthy.

Because, according to this wonderfully alarming piece of 1941 psychology, I should have grown out of all that homosexual gang nonsense and eventually entered the glorious heterosexual period.

I missed the appointment.

Perhaps I was too busy with the Lego.