Tag Archives: like

Charlie and his Austin A35 called Garçon

Charlie arrived out of nowhere. He says he is from Paris and that’s why he pronounces his name Shar-lee. Charlie also drives an old car, a 1960 Austin A35, which isn’t what I expect a 25-year-old French boy to own. He claims it was a gift from an elderly gentleman, and I presume it was given after Charlie had agreed to sleep with him. A last throw of the dice for an old queen. That was another time and place. But Charlie adores this car, and he has nicknamed it Garçon. ‘Boy’. He is an artist and he gave me a painting of Garçon in exchange for letting him sleep one night in a spare room. I have put it in the hallway and look at it everyday. I can’t help looking at Charlie either because that one night has turned into weeks. I once broached the question of how long he might be staying, and he disappeared into his room only to appear thirty minutes later with a poem he had written. Yes, Charlie writes poetry too. It was in French and I couldn’t translate it, but he said it was in appreciation of my kindness. 

That moment / I don’t know what else to do

Those legs. Smooth tanned legs. I thank the hot weather with its sticky heat for making you wear shorts. You wink at me, and that might have been enough. But I can’t stop staring at those legs and you know that I’m looking at them.

I sit on the steps, and you stand right in front of me so that they are inches from my face. Then you hook your thumb under the edge of your shorts and rub the top of your right leg because it itches. The harder and faster you rub, I see tantalising glimpses of black Calvin Kleins, except I know that these will be cheap knockoffs.

I light a cigarette and blow smoke towards them. It swirls around and disappears up your shorts.

I want to lick these legs, enjoy the salty taste, and bite them like someone who is unhinged. I don’t know what else to do.

You say something like “Do you like my legs?  Why don’t you lick them and bite them?” Except you don’t say that at all. Instead, you say, “My girlfriend is waiting outside.”

I Could Easily Fall (In Love With You)

Photo by Jo Duck / Australia

I can’t say that I like you. Not that I don’t like you. It’s just that I’m not allowed to say so, and the moment I say it, I’m in serious trouble.

If you think about it, I dropped a hint. You didn’t realise that I’d blocked everyone because I needed to be in control again. I unblocked you, only you, and sent a friend request because I needed to. I watched and you accepted my request within seconds. You looked surprised because you thought we were already friends.

You searched the room and found me. That brief glance that made me realise I’d guessed correctly. That moment that seemed to last forever.

“Hey,” you messaged.

“Hey back,” I replied.

“What are you up to?”

If I’d been sober, I might have said, “Navy boy. You are funny looking. You are skinny. Worse than that, you have a girlfriend.”

But I wasn’t sober and typed out my response.

“I like Navy boys. I like that you are called Bailey. I like that you are slim. I like your smooth olive skin. I like those dreamy eyes that give you away. I like that you have a girlfriend but flirt with me. Above all else, I like that cheekiness.”

My finger hesitated, and I didn’t send it.

Instead, I wrote, “Love your cheek. Never lose it. Stay gold.” I added that last bit because it was a line from my favourite movie.

“Eh?” you asked.

“Just continue to be yourself.”

“Thank you,” came your reply.

That was how we left it, and I woke up the next day relieved that I hadn’t given myself away.

But there was a time last night when I had my back turned and someone squeezed my arse. I swung round and it was you. I would have begged you to do it again, but olive turned to crimson, and you quickly walked away.

And so, this miserable orgasm of life meanders blindly on. You won’t message me because I scare you, and I can’t message you because I am equally scared of the consequences.

I asked you to take your hat off

I asked you to take off your beanie. What made me say that? I needed to see your hair. Take off your hat, I repeated. And you did. Just for me. I hoped that you didn’t have long hair, curly hair, or greasy hair, because I would have been disappointed. But you took your beanie off and it was short black hair. I liked your haircut because it complimented the face that I’d already fallen in love with. You enquired why I had asked you to do so? Because I needed to know everything about you. Are you happy now? I said I was incredibly happy.

Dear Daz / The one thing I can never forgive you for

Dear Daz

I don’t know why, but I thought about you today. I was looking through a window at a green valley that was drowning in rain. It was a battle between land and sky. You always spat on the floor and never apologised, a bit like the rain. That was just you.

What are you doing now?

The last I heard you’d moved to Australia with that girl. I suppose you’re married with kids, but I struggle to understand the job you might be doing. I recall that you always did things with your hands.

Did life turn out like that for you?

I guess I’ll never know because we lost contact a long time ago.

How did we meet? You won’t remember, but I do. 

A mutual friend said I needed a night out with the lads. He warned me about you. Said I wouldn’t like you because you were brash and needed to be the centre of attention.

I did like you, and for the next five years we got on extremely well. 

Do you remember when we asked girls which of us was better looking? They always said it was me, and I said it was because I was tall and you were short, and that your nose bent slightly to the left. I said they found you loud and intimidating. A boy of the working classes. And you laughed and always told me to fuck off. 

That was the problem. I didn’t see it then, but I do now. You never liked being second best. Dare I say that you were jealous.

I remember the time I took a friend’s sister out. “Never go out with a mate’s sister,” you told me. That was good advice, but you did better. You secretly dated your best friend’s Aussie girlfriend, and the days of the young lions came to a messy end.

Let me tell you something.

You never had any reason to be envious.

I remember a rainy bank holiday and we played football. Afterwards, you invited me back to your house to dry myself and watch your Dad’s secret stash of porn movies. 

I remember sitting on your Mum’s sofa while you sat on the floor and couldn’t take your eyes off the TV screen. You took off your wet trackie bottoms and stretched out on the carpet. That aroused me more than anything else, and for the first time I realised that I was probably in love with you. I thought that you might have been in love with me too. But we were too masculine to ever say it. 

This is my fondest memory, because when I think about you now, I only remember three other events.

One.

We were walking down a dark Spanish street and you stopped and turned to me. You said nothing, looked into my eyes, and punched me in the face.

Two.

There was the time that you pushed me over a wall, and I fell backwards down a muddy slope and into a river.

Three.

When we were playing football, we both went up to head the ball. As we rose you deliberately elbowed me in the face and knocked me unconscious. I still have the indentation above my right eye to remind me.

And yet, I forgave you for those lapses because I realised that you were made to feel second best again. I guess that was my fault.

The last time I saw you was when you’d been ostracised for stealing your mate’s girlfriend.

I was in a bar with a friend and you both walked in. You nodded like I was a stranger that you’d met for the first time. You slipped by and never said a word. 

That is the one thing I can never forgive you for.

I suspect that there was a reason for ignoring me. By this time I’d told my friends that I was gay, but never told you. They were happy for me whilst also being pissed off because I could have had any girl I wanted. 

I never told you, so never knew your reaction when you found out.

Were you happy for me? Did you love me as I loved you? Did I frighten you? Had I made you feel inadequate? Were you repulsed? Did I offend something that you believed in?

I would like to think that you’re the married man with kids that I’ve already described, and that you’re living in a big house in Australia.

And yet, I also worry that things didn’t turn out as well as you expected.

I thought about you sitting alone in an empty bar in a backstreet of Sydney. And in walked a wrinkled old woman who asked you to buy her a drink. She told you that you were good looking, and you spat on the floor and said, “I used to be good looking, but my mate was better looking than me.”

Somebody else’s shower is always better than your own

It’s early morning, and hot water pulsates over me in unabated streams. I smell coconut and jojoba from the shower cream, and the zing of mango from an expensive hair shampoo. The room is steamy and seductive because I’ve not turned on the extractor fan.

This isn’t my shower, and that makes me happy because somebody else’s is always better than your own.

The water controls me. I’m calm and relaxed, isolated from everyone. This is my private space where people can make no demands.

I am the closet exhibitionist, escape artist, a dreamer, and the subconscious is able to run freely.

I think of the times when the shower birthed memories; cherished, forgotten, but able to rise again. 

I remember when I was nine-years-old and moved to a new school that had showers. Those awkward moments stripping in front of each other and taking the piss out of our little willies and flicking each other’s bare arses with wet towels.

The time I met two young Royal Marines who were really boys, at a bar in Barbados. We talked and drank and ended up in my apartment where one asked if he could take a shower. 

He was called Nigel and as he slipped off his clothes he asked me to join him. That was all he wanted, somebody to share a shower because it made him feel safe.

Then there was the road trip around Florida with a straight guy who had no idea about my sexuality. It was a journey of discovery but I remembered those long powerful showers in seedy motels where I masturbated to images of half-naked guys. The ones with skateboards, surf shorts and skinny bodies, in times when they were able to burn off every calorie from the shit they ate at burger joints.

There was also the drunk guy whom I dumped my boyfriend for who took me home and insisted I shower before making love. Afterwards, I walked naked into his bedroom and found him asleep. The best part of that night was the shower.

And so, here I am, in somebody else’s shower, at a remote cottage, hundreds of miles from home. A shower that is better than mine. A shower that makes me feel young again.  This never happens in my shower.

That moment / Bleddy ‘ansum that is / He might have been a boy of the boats

The man in the antique shop was fucking annoying. I thought his presence was because he thought I was going to nick something, but it was because he was an arrogant prick. 

I stared at an eighties promo photo of Madonna that had seventy five smackers on it. “I’ve got three signed Madonna photos,” the guy said. “Are you interested in pop memorabilia? I can find some exciting stuff for you.”

Madonna never signed anything. I ignored him and walked towards a pile of old Rupert annuals instead. 

“Do you like Green Day?”

Fuck me, I thought. But when I looked around he was speaking to somebody else. “I once played on stage with them.”

“Really?” said a female voice. Don’t be such a fucking gullible cunt, I thought.

All the while, the rain bounced onto the tin roof and gave another reason for people to avoid looking for antiques on Saturday afternoon. 

I migrated to the other end of the shop, and an alarm sounded that suggested I’d got too close to the office. The irritating shopkeeper peered from around a corner to see what I was doing. Satisfied that I was merely browsing, he turned his attention back to the unseen female. 

“Got it from the Marquee in London,” he bullshitted. “We cleared it out when it closed.” 

I hadn’t seen the girl, but her voice told me that she was probably a teenager. Naive enough to keep asking silly questions. But when the owner moved aside to let her escape, it was a young lad who appeared in front of the girl. The shopkeeper let him go, but wasn’t done with her yet, caging her in the corner to look at a pile of old pop art magazines. 

The lad walked straight to me and rolled his eyes, because we were both thinking the same. 

He was who I might describe as being typically Cornish. Where I came from his hat would have been called a beanie hat, but down here it would be referred to as belonging to a fisherman. And he wore waterproofs that made him look like he might be a boy of the boats.

He was slightly built, and there wasn’t much to see, except that fascinating face. Two things struck me about him, the green eyes and the downy chin of an adolescent boy whose beard had not yet developed.  

The lad picked up a wooden framed cameo of a small boy. “What do you think the story is? I think it’s Victorian.  A boy blessed to grow old and die. Bleddy ‘ansum that is. What are you interested in?”

I told him I liked old books.

“I’m an artist. Well, a student really. I come here for inspiration. Carve anything out of wood. See that figurehead outside. That’s what I really like.”

I had no idea what he was talking about, but he grabbed me by the arm and took me outside. 

“Fucking pizendawn out here. Have you got a cigarette?”

I offered him one from a pack of Marlboro Gold that had just cost me fifteen quid. We struggled to light them in the rain and cowered underneath a stone doorway instead.

“Can’t roll-up in the wet. See that beauty there?” He pointed to the nautical figurehead of a beautiful woman that stood outside the entrance. 

I hadn’t noticed it on my way into the shop. 

“From the prow of an old sailing ship. It embodied the spirit of the vessel, offering the crew protection from harsh seas and safeguarding their homeward journeys.”

The girl came outside looking for her boyfriend. 

“Got to go,” and covered his fisherman’s hat with the hood of his coat. “I’m on Insta. Cadan with an ‘a’. Look me up.”

I watched them negotiate puddles between parked cars and head towards the river. Boyfriend and girlfriend, braving the downpour and going home to a simplistic existence. Then they disappeared.

A year ago I met Samuel / His eyes should have been looking at books

I woke up and it was raining. I’m not bothered because the view from the window is different. Today I see rolling fields filled with sheep and lambs, hedgerows, and woodland. I could be in another time, but the telephone wires stretching across the landscape remind me that I’m not.

I’m far away from the music and lights that fill my normal existence. I’m also away from the mind-numbing shit that drunk people bore me with night after night. They have no idea where I am because I’ve deleted all my social media accounts.

That was the other day. 

In a fit of petulance I deleted Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, and with them went the people I’d loved and wanted, and failed to get. But I felt cleansed afterwards and everything seemed much simpler again.

Now I’m in a kitchen, in the middle of the countryside, not far away from the sea. It is wet outside. But nothing could be more pleasurable on a Saturday morning.

A year ago I sat in this same spot, opened my laptop, and wrote a short story. It was about a boy I‘d met in an old bookshop that day. There had been no conversation. The encounter lasted no more than five seconds, but his eyes, that should have been looking at books, looked into mine, and they unlocked something.

That boy, whom I called Samuel, made it the most perfect day. Since then, the creativity inside me has flowed like at no other time.

And now, I’m in this sacred spot again, writing about nothing of interest to anyone, but doing something that makes me happy. 

That moment / To the boy sleeping next to me

A bottle of Amstel. Or should I say several bottles. I remember that day well. It was a hot afternoon and the hot dry winds cut across the island. They were Meltemi winds. We were oblivious and both burned. When the evening came we tired and traipsed home past the parched olive trees to collapse on our separate beds. Our day ended early. I woke briefly as the Cretan skies darkened and looked to where you slept under those thin sheets. I thought about the things we had learned about each other. We both thought The Outsiders was our favourite movie, and we both loved Canadian Matured Cheddar. In that moment, between sleep and wakefulness, I thought you were the most beautiful person in the world.

This mysterious life / I think about Tom

What caused you to carve your name into the pavement? What is the story behind it? When did you do it?

Tom. Were you a young boy? A feat of bravado in front of friends, who watched in admiration as you scratched your name into history. It will be around for a long time, until somebody comes along and covers it in steaming new asphalt.

Will you grow up to have children of your own? Will you live in a sunny country and grow up sun tanned and estranged from this place? Will you remember that you once scraped your name in this tiny corner?

Tom. Are you the teenage boy who showed off in front of delinquent mates, or maybe it was the girl that you fancied? A girl to whom you had pathetic sex with because of those raging hormones. And this girl might have got pregnant at too young an age.

Are you the one who would never grow old because you got into a fight and somebody killed you with a knife, the blood from a wasted body spilling over the pavement and finding its way into the cracks of somebody else’s name?

Tom. I saw your name and won’t forget it. I will never meet you but will see you as I want to. A tall handsome blonde haired boy with blue eyes. You are probably very different but that doesn’t matter because you have fired the imaginations of others.